Bruised Ribs

What a weird volleyball practice yesterday. Maybe it is the Monday after a tournament over the weekend. The energy level was low to begin with, but with the hitting drill the excitement picked up. The ladies did a great job learning the left and right tandem attacks, the other teams are in for a surprise this weekend.

During scrimmage to wrap up the practice, everyone was acting silly and we felt we were actually giving a bad name to volleyball. But it as a good practice in calling plays in game situations. During one play, Sam called "quick" for me, and just for fun, he called a "pipe" and an "A" for the back row. So after the pass, I ran right up next to Sam to approach the "quick" hit. But in the last moment, Sam decided to set "pipe". Generally, that would not matter, but in the instance, in order to push the ball to the back row Sam stuck his butt out. This cause me to crash into him, jabbing my own elbow into my ribs, complete knocking the wind out of me. Hahaha...

I vaguely remember the last time I had the wind knocked out, it was a long time ago while playing soccer. This time, all I could do is to fall on the floor gasping for air as the play continued. Well, at least I now have a nice bruised rib as a souvenir. :P

All this talk about ribs, it's making me hungry.... mmmmm.... ribs.

Feels like a dagger in the heart...

I knew this day would eventually come. It is the risk of my occupation - a risk of being a minister and pastor. No doubt about it, it hurts me to see it happen. It's feels like a dagger plunged into my heart.

Upon receiving the email first thing this morning, I went for a walk and than took a long shower. Two of my favorite things to do when I want to think and reflect. I took an 90 minutes stroll, into Brimley Woods. I have not been into this forest since high school. The morning fog was perfect, it felt like I was all alone, just a morning stroll with God. I had a good chat with God, sharing with one another how was our day. It was nice to be able to ask him for advise in regards to this situation. When I returned home, I hit the showers. Showers are an nice place to be when my heart is overwhelm with sorrow because I cannot tell whether or not I am crying or it is just the shower raining down on me. I can just sit in the tub with water raining down on me, and think. Maybe this is another reason why I love to take a stroll in the rain.

In the end, I am glad for this opportunity to learn God's lesson for me. Thank you, Lord.

I awoke this morning to the news of one of my sheep in pain. And it was because of the indirect results of my actions and words. My heart sank. It felt like a dagger was plunged into my heart. What I thought actions I have taken to guide my sheep have backlashed and deeper cause pain to one of them. The one thing that came across my mind was "what have I done?" I felt inadequate, ill-equipped, unqualified. (I knew I should have taken intro to preaching first) I have made every mistake a young preacher makes - all in one sermon. The advises of Dr. Alfred Lam echo through my mind. I wanted to ask God why did he choose me. I am not ready to be responsible to be put in charge of his sheep.

In my mind, I can my sheep... in pain, crying. One side of me wants to run up to her and hold her in my arm in effort to ease her pain. But another side of me is telling my that my mere presence may cause her more pain.

I can see why some preachers have waterdowned their theology to a point it have become dull. However, the Scriptures reminds us:

"For the word of God is living and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart."
~Heb 4:12

I would not allow my theology to be dull, just for the sake that the members of my congregation would be comfortable. The Gospel is inconvenient. Discipleship is uncomfortable.

Yet, also as stated in Hebrews 4:12, only the word of God judges. I would not allow others to judge my sheep and inflict pain on my sheep. And that includes myself. If any of you sense that I am hurting my sheep, you have my permission to smack me on the side of my head. Or even to plunge another dagger into my heart.

But if it is the word of God penetrating to the heart His followers, then I shall be ready for more wounded sheep. Lord, fill me with Your love to heal Your children.

As the dust settles...

God's stamp of presence was there every step of the way.

I had been a month less a day since the car accident. It seem as though my world was flipped up-side-down by something as small as a little car wrack. I'm picking up the new vehicle tonight - a shiny new 2007 Subaru Impreza, gray colour. Last Friday, I was at the collusion centre cleaning out my wracked Protege, I learn that Alan at the collusion was a Tyndale alumni - class of 2006, M.Div in Pastoral Ministry. That's amazing. What a small world. We got into a cool little conversation because he noticed my Saddleback Church license plate cover. He said he was from Willowcreek Church. Wow. Afterwards, I proceeded to the insurance company to turn in my keys and ownership and to receive the cheque for my car. At TD Meloche Monnex I had my Tyndale clipboard with me to take notes, and at the sight of that the insurance agent informed me that he has a buddy attending seminary at Tyndale. And as if that's not enough, afterward during lunch time I was at my physiotherapy appointment. While I was getting hooked up to the electro-treatment machine, I had a chat with the young lady helping me out and she asked me where I go to for school. I told her Tyndale but she did know where that is. So I proceed to tell her it is behind Sister of St. Joseph and how Tyndale has purchased that property. She exclaimed that was her high school. 3 stamps of God's presence with a span of 3 hours, at 3 difference places. Wow!

Thinking back, the car accident has truly been a blessing. Through this accident, I am almost out of debt because of the cheque from the write-off of the Protege. Also, my back is a million times better because of the weekly treatments. And now I have a safe vehicle to carpool the kids from church. Thank you, Lord, for your blessings in unexpected places. I love you, Lord.

"...you are the one who won't relax!"

When I was at my physio appointment yesterday, my treatment included chiropractic adjustment of my back, and massage therapy. Massage therapies are usually done by Robert, but on Tuesday during lunch it is done by another lady. During the appointment, she said that she didn't recognize me, but I reassure her that I had her treat my back last week.

As soon as she begins her treatment, she exclaimed: "Oh, I don't remember your face, but I remember your back. You are the one who won't relax!"

At that, she told me to relax. But no matter how I tried to follow her instructions she said I'm not relaxed. And she would lift my hips and start shaking it from side to side to get me to loosen my back...

Maybe that's part of my problem - I have not learn to relax. Even during my "down time" I'll find things to do. I must learn how to relax.

Call me Petter Solberg...

Call me Petter Solberg...
Or call me Richard Burns...
Or Colin McRae...
Or even call me Bunta Fujiwara... lol...
If you know any of these names, you know where I'm going at. I have made my decision on what car to get.

No, I'm not getting a STI nor a WRX, though I wish. And the STI is the fastest car I've ever driven. The Subaru Impreza 2.5i is the closet thing to my dream car since university.... only without the "whiiiiirrrrll..... ssspppzzzzzz" sound of the turbo.173HP, all-wheel drive, and the best part is 3.8% lease and connections with the dealer manager. Thank God. So, I can say God is my Nicky Grist.

PS. Wondering what happened to the Nissan Versa? Well, I test drove it today and it made this very annoying clicking sound every time I shift in to gear... plus the sale rep didn't know know anything, I had to back the car back into the parking spot for him. Also since it was a six speed, the first question I asked the sale rep in the car (since it was dark outside) was whether the "reverse" gear is on the extreme right and down. I assumed that because my only experience with a six speed was in the STI and it was extreme right and down. The sale rep promptly replied "Yes". So with that said, off we go. Then what do you know... at a red light, right turn, from a complete stop, I slapped the stick left and up to put it into 1st gear... and surprise surprise, I was in reverse. Thank to the sales rep. That gave an excuse for dad to make fun of me. Therefore, no Nissan Versa.

What a week!

I'm staring at my schedule this week, scratching my head?

Help!

Looks like sermon prep time is Wed during work, Thurs morning and Fri all day.

So people might ask why do I spend time updating my blog in the mist of all the work? This is something I learn over the past few weeks, especially through the car accident experience.

"My explanation is simple: writing can’t be done on the side because, as James Vanoosting says it, “Writing is not pedagogy but an epistemology” (160).

In other words, writing is a lifestyle, a way of life, a way of being, a modus operandi, a way of breathing and eating and drinking. Better yet, writing is a way of learning, a way of coming to know what someone wants to know, a way of discovering.

Writing is not something to do when everything else is cleared off the desk; no, it is something that makes order of the desk."
~Scot McKnight

Writing in this blog is a way for me to sort out my thoughts. Gives me time to slow down the reflect in time of busyness. It slows down my week and allows me to take in what God wants me to experience - and experience it to the fullest.

Car Shopping

With much discussion with my parents, I have narrow the field of car choices to 5 cars. Here are some of my comments and in order of preference.

VW Rabbit 2.5, 5-dr
Pro: Torquey at 170 lb.ft, European, fullyloaded
Con: Reliability (electronics), gas consumption




Subaru Impreza 2.5i wagon
Pro: 4 wheels drive, 3.8% lease, 172 hp :)
Con: Gas consumption, most expensive of the 5





Nissan Versa 1.8SL
Pro: 6 speed manual transmission :P
Con: 6.25% lease




Honda Fit LX
Pro: Honda reliability, versatile cargo configuration, good value
Con: Under powered at 109hp, almost like my old Toyota Echo




Toyota Matrix XR
Pro: Toyota reliability
Con: Price (2nd most expensive of the 5, while the Rabbit and Versa is fully loaded)

Here's mom & dad's order of perference:

1. Toyota Matrix XR
2. Honda Fit LX
3. Subaru Impreza 2.5i wagon
4. Nissan Versa 1.8SL
5. VW Rabbit 2.5, 5-dr

Hmmm... do you see the disconnect? All comments and suggestions are welcome.

PS. In case of you are wondering why I am worried about reliability if I'm leasing the car, because by the lease is up, my parent's Camry would be 12 yr old. They might want to back back my car if the car is good.

*****************
Update 13/11/2006

The Honda Fit and the VW Rabbit is off the list. Down to three choice... looks like will be a Japanese car again.

Test driving the Nissa Versa tomorrow. That the forerunner right now... unless the Impreza impresses dad so much to justify the cost ($6000 more) and the extra fuel consumption. Plus Nissans brings good memories back for dad and he is drooling over the 6 spd transmission.

Farewell, Star Ferry

After Sunday lunch yesterday, I was driving home with dad. Our conversation led to the relocation of Star Ferry pier in Central.

http://www.channelnewsasia.com/stories/afp_asiapacific/view/240719/1/.html

Childhood memories... I always associated the Star Ferry pier in Central with visits to grandma and grandpa in Wah Fu village. After the ferry ride across the Victoria Harbour, we would than bus from Central to Wah Fu.

And more recently, I have collected new memories of the Star Ferry pier. During my Hong Kong visit in May and July, I would wait at the Star Ferry pier for Jenny, if not riding the ferry together, before and after church.

I still remember the joy on Mike's face after teaching him how to take the ferry, thus saving him a few dollars on his journey across the harbour.

But alas, that is no more. On my next visit to HK, the old pier is gone, replaced by the new pier. I guess the feeling would be very much similar to when I found out how the Hung Hum pier is so different now. And this time back in HK, I didn't even dare to venture into North Point. 4 years ago learning about where grandma (por por) used to live is about to be torn down, I cannot imagine how it would look like now.

Struggling with the future

Meeting at church from noon to 9:45p today... but the one thing preoccupied in my mind is my future at this church. Every time I think about it, it is like a knife jab into my heart. The uncertainty, the risks. I know the risks I am taking when I submit to this possible future. But as what Hudson Taylor said, "Unless there's an element of risk in your exploits for God, there is no need for faith."

I am scared, but I am also excited about God's plan for me. And I love the fact that Rev. Lau rather spent his resources on the leadership team than on land and infrastructure. IMHO, we have the best pastor team anywhere, and I am excited to be part of this pastor team. Besides, "Life story triumphs over love story."And just like what I learn over the summer. I make the plans, but God can change it at anytime.

Bye Bye Protege

I got the news today from the collision center. My car is deemed total lost. 4 years for memories... the camping trips, the countless nights spent in the car during the days I was on the road. But it all will eventually come to an end.

Life story triumphs...

"Life story triumphs over love story."
~Louie Giglio, Feb 08/2005, My Really Bad Date Series: Part 1 (It's not you, it's me)

Today Rev Lau and I had our weekly chat. I arrived in his office with a question in regards to next Sunday's sermon. Thanks to God for His Spirit in guiding us through another insightful conversation. This is an hour and a half I look forward to every week. :)

In the end, the conversation led to our outlook into the future. My future is something I had been avoid thinking about. The next 2.5 years is a given, my #1 priority is to complete my M.Div. Afterwards, it is up in the air. The mission field? I dunno, maybe I should have some pastoral experience under my belt first. And beside, how can I run off to the global missions while the local missions is still not addressed. So the next question is, Toronto or else where?

My ministry had just begun at LBC (York Region). And according to Bill Hybels, it takes two years before the effectiveness of one's ministry begins. As I continue my studies and continue my ministry at York, I am actually securing my future job. But, there are so many variables... of one, my heart is tugging at me.

Like in a chess game, I do have to think and plan out my next moves. But from what I learn on my mission trip, we need to do our part to plan, but ultimately we need to be flexible enough to allow room for God to change our plans.

All in all, my heart is in a emotional tug-o-war. Every fiber of my body screams Vancouver, but my logic tells me otherwise.

It is funny though how God can deliver a message. As I was sharing with the high school boys and girls a session on dating and relationship. We were watching part 1 of 722 "my really bad dates" series. The last point in Louie's message was "life story triumphs over love story". What is God's life story for me? How would my life story interact and intertwine with my significant other's life story? And if I let God work in our life stories, I can trust that He will write us a love story.

Investigate my life...

Investigate my life, O God,
find out everything about me;
Cross-examine and test me,
get a clear picture of what I'm about;
See for yourself whether I've done anything wrong—
then guide me on the road to eternal life.
~Ps 139:23-24 (The Message)

See for yourself whether I've done anything wrong... see for yourself the slime in my life. Show me that I'm swimming in murk. I should feel dirty, and uncomfortable. Yet, my sinfulness finds pleasure and comfort in this warm murk. And it is slowly drowning me without me realizing it.

I waited patiently for the LORD;
he turned to me and heard my cry.

He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock
and gave me a firm place to stand.

~Ps 40:1,2 (NIV)

Yet the Lord lifted me out of the slimy pit, cleaned me up, and wrapped a royal robe around me. How can it be? Thank you Lord. What else can I do be to sing your praise?

How Can I Keep From Singing Lyrics
By Chris Tomlin

There is an endless song
Echoes in my soul
I hear the music ring

And though the storms may come
I am holding on
To the rock I cling

How can I keep from singing Your praise
How can I ever say enough
How amazing is Your love
How can I keep from shouting Your name
I know I am loved by the King
And it makes my heart want to sing

I will lift my eyes
In the darkest night
For I know my Savior lives

And I will walk with You
Knowing You'll see me through
And sing the songs You give

I can sing in the troubled times
Sing when I win
I can sing when I lose my step
And fall down again
I can sing 'cause You pick me up
Sing 'cause You're there
I can sing 'cause You hear me, Lord
When I call to You in prayer
I can sing with my last breath
Sing for I know
That I'll sing with the angels

This song has been in my mind for the past month, ever since the CD came out and arrived at our student council office. What line that touched me the most is "And though the storms may come//I am holding on//To the rock I cling" So Joel's metamorphosis continues... from Joel the Malleable to Joel the Barnacle. No point in being willing to be pounded my God without doing in return but to lie there and wait for the Lord to pick me up. Like the barnacle, I will still endure the waves and pounding of life, but in the meantime, cling on to God.

LIVESTRONG

Lance finishes his first marathon in 2:59:36
After 7 Tour de France, Lance's fighting spirit continues. A sub 3 hours marathon, that's amazing! What an inspiration for finishing strong.

This is a good reminder for me that even though I feel tired and feel like quiting or giving up, I must push on. Finish my papers, finishing my readings, and finish strong. Like Lance, who had Alberto Salazar, Germán Silva and Joan Benoit Samuelson pacing him, encouraging him, the Lord had provided brothers and sisters like Jenny, Genuine, Fredrick and the seminary council pacing me, encouraging me to press on. Thank God for the awesome support.

Also thank God for His strength.

28 Do you not know?
Have you not heard?
The LORD is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary,
and his understanding no one can fathom.

29 He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak.

30 Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;

31 but those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint

~Isaiah 40:28-31

Oh the fun of Youth Group

The photos from last night's Youth Connexion is up... what fun!
http://youth-connexion.blogspot.com/

Still counting my blessings...

Uh oh, someone was not happy about my last post. :P Hey, 39 more days, I count that as a blessings.

******

A week since my accident, I'm still counting my blessings. The adjuster from the insurance company called me this morning, praise God, the insurance has settled. I am not at fault. I get to stay in my rental 2006 Civic, I get to continue my physio treatments, and they will begin work on my car.

The physiotherapy are going wonders for my back. I definitely cannot complain about the massage therapy, the chiropractor cracking my back, and the electro-shock treatments. By back is feeling better everyday, and it might even be better than before. :D Plus the stretching program should help my range of motion, and finally loosen up my hamstrings and back muscles. It's like I get the point when every therapist I meet comments about my tight hamstrings and back muscles.

I should find some time to take part in the gym's yoga classes again. I remember I used to really enjoy it when used to take part in the yoga classes at the gym before work.

One thing I am learning about myself is how much I suppress pain. When Dr. Vivian asked me how much my back hurts on a scale from 1 - 10, I replied "3". Even though at times it really bothers me. She looked at me with a funny look, and finally I said it is more like "5". I always though to suppress pains and hurts is a strength, but I'm beginning to see that I need learn to express these sorrows and pains so that it does not build up. I need to learn to use my escape valve, to let some stream out. In the past it has been sports... but I must admit, my body is not as durable as it used to be. The stains and pulls takes longer to heal. I need to learn to open my mouth. I think walking into Kaarina's office yesterday was a huge step for me. And I think writing on this blog has been helping me connect with myself.

Thanks for reading my random ramblings.

Countdown

Okay, I'm starting the official countdown. :D

Connecting with Myself

It is one of those double blog entries days... I guess to make up for my lack of blogging over the past two months.

Rev Lau said to me many many times, in order to connect with God, we must first connect with ourselves. And I guess over the last week I am learning how to connect with myself. Thank God for Kaarina, during a break from work I was able to hop into Kaarina's office to share with her what's on my mind. Thank God for the time of prayer and for the encouragement You have spoken through her.

I have a type-A personality. Go! Go! Go! I like to carry a full plate. And I rely on my wits and efficient to get me out of various situations. I'm usually composed, calm, and acts as though things are under control while in my mind I am sorting through the chaos. Over the past few years, I learn to accept that there are time things are not under my control so I learn to take things as they come.

What does this have to do with anything?

I am beginning to see how I usually rely on my strength to get myself out of trouble. And I have learned over the last year that the source of my strength is from the Lord. And when things are out of my control, I'd say I'll have "faith" in the Lord. But this week showed me that at time I seek the source of faith in myself.

The Message Luke 17:5The apostles came up and said to the Master, "Give us more faith."

6But the Master said, "You don't need more faith. There is no 'more' or 'less' in faith. If you have a bare kernel of faith, say the size of a poppy seed, you could say to this sycamore tree, 'Go jump in the lake,' and it would do it.

The is no 'more' or 'less' in faith. Faith comes from God, and all we need is faith as small a mustard seed. "Joel, stop relying on yourself. Ground your faith in the Lord. And let His will be done through you."

Struck down but not destoryed

I want to hide in a corner and cry... but I cannot. There's too much riding on my shoulders. I want to running into the arms of a warm embrace... but I cannot stay there. I have to stand up and press on.

NIV 2 Corinthians 4:8We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; 9persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.

I must admit the uncertainties of the pass few days are slowly chipping away at me. Yet, I still feel the gracious hand of God on my back reassuring me as I walk. And also as I continue to serve in His ministry. I need to be focused when my congregation calls me and messages me in the middle of the night in distress. I need to be in tune to the Spirit's prompting. So that the resurrected life of Jesus can be at work.

NIV 2 Corinthians 4:10We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. 11For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus' sake, so that his life may be revealed in our mortal body. 12So then, death is at work in us, but life is at work in you.

I was reassuring to get into my car this morning are at the very moment a Delirious? song from playing on CD:

Every Little Thing

Everything must change
There’s a mirror showing me the ugly truth
These bones they ache with holy fire
But I’ve got nothing to give, just a life to live
If your world is without colour
I will carry you, if you carry me

Every little thing’s gonna be alright
Every little thing’s gonna be alright [x2]

There’s no-one else to blame
I live my life between the fire and the flame
I’ve built my house where the ocean meets the land
It’s time to live again, pull my dreams out of the sand
Let your world be full of colour
I will carry you, if you carry me

When it’s all falling down on you
You’re crying out but you’re breaking in two
When it’s all crashing down on you
When there’s nothing you can do
There is someone who can carry you

Prayer requests

I tried not let the events of the weekend get to me and maintained my focus on God. But it is difficult, and psychologically and emotionally I'm taking a beating. I know in the end, God's glory will be show is all of this, but at in my human weakness my heart do weaver at times. I'm learning that I thought I had the faith to carry me through this, but in reality that my faith is based on my ignorance and not rooted in God.

I am learning that it is okay to worry, but just trust God has supreme authority over the situation. Today I learn that my insurance had not yet settled, and there is a very slight chance that it will be 50-50 at fault. I know that odds are that I will be fully covered, but just the thought of the chance that it is 50-50, the fear that I would not able to afford another vehicle, it was enough to overwhelm me. It was enough to plant that seed of doubt. Oh, how little faith do I have?

Talking to Frederick tonight, he asked me about my lost ipod. I told him I'm not too worry, I'm sure it will turn up in time... but in reality, am I not worry? No, I am worry. And I am upset at the fact that I cannot listen to my audio Bible, sermons or even my music to calm my nerves through the turmoil in my mind. Maybe it is God's way of ensure me the quietness in my heart to think this whole situation through.

Please help me with your prayers... pray for endurance...

Culture Disconnect

October 31... Halloween. The night where you'll find most Christians turn out the lights to their house and disconnect themselves from the rest of the world. From the little children whom Jesus loves, and they are literally knocking on our doors. Why? "Because we disapprove the celebration of the devil!!" So what we will do is to lock ourselves in the "safety" of our basement, waiting for the day the Lord returns, while the world is starving for the Truth?

"Here's another way to put it: You're here to be light, bringing out the God-colors in the world. God is not a secret to be kept. We're going public with this, as public as a city on a hill. If I make you light-bearers, you don't think I'm going to hide you under a bucket, do you? I'm putting you on a light stand. Now that I've put you there on a hilltop, on a light stand—shine! Keep open house; be generous with your lives. By opening up to others, you'll prompt people to open up with God, this generous Father in heaven."
~Matt 5:14-16 (The Message)

How are we a light in this world, a city on a hill, when we hide in our basements with out lights out when the devil run amok in the world, and while little children are being ensnare by the devil. Brothers and sisters, this is one night of the year children come running to you. What better opportunity than this? Yes, I heard it all, it is not effective outreaching to the children on Halloween night. Be creative! If you are not creative, what does it take to toss a Bible tract along with a piece of Candy? What if only one out of a hundred children read it? Didn't Jesus say that he will leave his 99 sheep to look for the lost one. What joy is it to have one children hear the Gospel?!?

Surely it is better than being a snob, turning out your lights and pretending not to be home.