Zero Self Confidence

Been feeling frazzled over the past two days. So frazzled that I don't know why tears keep flowing. So frazzled that i didn't feel well enough to drive. That why getting the speeding ticket this morning feels like getting kick while lying on the ground. Lost in thought while driving made me lose track of my speed.  I'm not upset from the ticket, I deserved it and I should have been more careful. What bothers me it that while all these things are happening, while I'm seeking a time of healing, all I can think of is "How can this be a sermon illustration?"

I am angry at myself for thinking this way. I am having an internal conflict where a voice (mainly from feedback and comments) tells me that "Joel, you need to show more vulnerability in your sermon" while I am screaming inside "I need a time of healing". But what if there's no time to heal? I need to pick myself up and "work" tonight for fellowship.

Thank you for everyone who had pray for me in my time of need. I can finally narrow down the reason for feeling frazzle is because I am low in self confidence. So low in confidence that all I can think of is how I can do my job better. I know in pastoral leadership we are not seeking earthly praise, and criticisms and grumblings comes with the job (see Moses' leadership of the Israelite out of Egypt). But if you are reading this and I am not your pastor, simply say a word of thanks to your pastor, it can lift him/her up in encouragement.

I the midst of zero self confidence, thank you Lord for your steadfast love. While I was looking for words of encouragements in Psalms 78 (that God CHOSE us because he made us competent do His task [v70-72]), my memory failed me and I turned to Psalms 57 instead.  I love it when God drop nuggets of Bible gold out of nowhere.

2 I cry out to God Most High,
to God, who vindicates me.
3 He sends from heaven and saves me,
rebuking those who hotly pursue me—
God sends forth his love and his faithfulness.

4 I am in the midst of lions;
I am forced to dwell among ravenous beasts—
men whose teeth are spears and arrows,
whose tongues are sharp swords.

5 Be exalted, O God, above the heavens;
let your glory be over all the earth.

6 They spread a net for my feet—
I was bowed down in distress.
They dug a pit in my path—
but they have fallen into it themselves.

7 My heart, O God, is steadfast,
my heart is steadfast;
I will sing and make music.
8 Awake, my soul!
Awake, harp and lyre!
I will awaken the dawn.
~Psalms 57:2-8

 Time to wake up, Joel. The Lord is mighty in battle you can find refuge in Him. Wake up, and sing!

Another Sleepless Night - Reflecting on the Concept of "Being Content"

Woke up an hour ago from a nightmare. Was being chased down lecture halls by two of my university classmates. Actually it was not a scary dream but it got my heart racing so much that even after 2 glasses of honey lemon water I still cannot fall back to sleep. I feel bad for disturbing Jenny as she sleeps.

Actually I don't think it is because of the nightmare that I cannot go back to sleep. It is probably due to all the nuggets of thoughts I needed to flush out of my mind. It has been also 2 weeks since I organized my thoughts and my reflections. This might help me sleep...

No, this will not be a Teens Conference reflection, I'm not ready for that yet. And sorry, I will not be translating this posting - at least not tonight.

This chain for thought began from a Bible Study in Panama. How do we know we are content (知足)? My answer to that question was "when you know this is exactly where God wants you to be". And this is the attitude Jenny and I embraced ever since we were married, "seeking God's will to find out exactly were He wants us to be" - whether this is a physical location, our place in ministry, our financial situation, and etc. We are content with everything we have, furthermore, we feel extremely blessed with everything God provided for us and the position He has placed us. Of course there is always temptations such as Jenny wanting a Blackberry or myself looking at camera equipment. But we are extremely blessed with what we have.

Ministry wise, we praise God for giving Jenny a job that perfectly complement my pastoral ministry. 9 to 5 in a convenient location, this allows me to prep during the day and give me the chance to pick her up from work and have dinner before any evening meetings. We could not ask for anything better.

However, what challenged me over the past few weeks - and especially after walking out of the Kin Village meeting today - is that while we should be content materialistically, we should never be content spiritually. I've realized the whole idea of being content has lead me to want just the status-quo spiritually. Walking out of the Kin Village meeting today made me realized that there's so much more to do in our communities - to love our neighbours. We if we operate our ministries under status-quo our priorities will merely be looking out for ourselves. However, God calls us to be the salt and light to the world, and we should not be just content and hide under a bowl.

Being content in our earthly needs, being relentless in Kingdom matters.

Yet in contrast, there is another troubling matter in my mind walking out of the Kin Village meeting today. We have lost another pastor due to burnt out... Churches, how many spiritual leaders you want to chew up and spit out completely burnt out several years down the road? Yes, we are to obey our Sabbath and find ways to feed ourselves spiritually. Will you please learn to feed yourself spiritually too instead of having the church leaders spoon feed you every Sunday? I don't know about you, but I like to eat every day. But apparently some people are completely okay with eats on only Sundays, and that's only if they are spoon fed. I am sorry for being harsh, but I find many are instead "content in Kingdom matters, and relentless in earthly needs."

My job is to teach you how to feed yourself spiritually, and to bring the Gospel to our neighbours. Maybe you didn't get the memo, but I think that is your job too.

Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit,  and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you.
~ Matthew 28:19, 20

Good night.

The Temptation of Jonah // 約拿的誘惑

"Why don't you just run like Jonah?" This was the comment given to me when I told one of my previous pastor that I was entering full-time ministry. I thought he was joking at the time because he is like that, but I begin to realize this was a wise warning from a wise pastor. The temptation of Jonah has been very real ever since I've entered ministry.

"你點解唔好似約拿噉走路呀？"當我講畀我久陣時一個傳道人聽我將會踏入全職奉獻，呢個就係佢畀我嘅答案。講笑搵第樣呀！但是我開始明白呢個係一個好有智慧嘅注意。從我成為傳道人的一刻，約拿的誘惑係一樣好真呢事。

In Numa, we've just wrapped up our Bible Study in the book of Jonah. It was refreshing to have the high school students lead the study, and I have gain many new insights from the book of Jonah. One very genuine comment came from one of the students, "Why follow the calling of God, life seems so hard serving the Lord!" Why should we be obedient to God's calling? It is because we are afraid of being swallowed by a fish? Of afraid of being zapped by lightning? Funny enough, this was the response I jokingly gave to by old pastor. But in reality, are we to be obedient because we fear the Lord to punish us if we don't? What does this say about our motivations?

我哋中學生團契啱啱查經查完約拿書。我好心見到哋年青人帶查經，我學到好多乜。有一個學生講咗一句真心話，"如果跟神係咁辛苦，點解我哋要聽神嘅呼召？"點解我哋要聽神嘅呼召？係唔係我哋嚇俾魚吞？係唔係嚇俾雷劈？我哋係唔係聽神話因為我哋嚇俾神懲罰！

Frankly speaking, serving the Lord is a very difficult life. Constantly being in the cross-hairs of others expectations. 70-80 hours weeks, and people still expects more. Financially, I could be making two to three times as much as an engineer. To tell you the truth, at least every other day, the thought of running like Jonah would pop up in my mind - to quit ministry or to quit life all together. Woah! You may ask how can a pastor say this sort of things. But I can be sure that many ministers are under this kind of pressure daily and have thought about thought about these things. Thank God for Jenny to keep my sanity in check.

我都講一句真心話啊，服事真係好辛苦。時時畀人哋睇住，每個禮拜做完70-80個鐘人哋用好高嘅期望話唔滿意。如果用錢嘅角度嚟講我可以返轉頭做個電子工程師搵多兩三倍嘅錢。"你點解唔好似約拿噉走路呀？"我其實每兩三曰都有咁諗吓-好似約拿噉走路或者向世界說再見。嘩，你可能話傳道人點可以怎樣講嘢㗎！但是我好肯定好多傳道人經過呢啲壓力都會咁諗果。我感謝神我有太太因此我唔會做儍嘢。

But why haven't I ran like Jonah? Is it because I am afraid of God's wrath? The lesson I learn from Jonah this time around us that even though Jonah acted as though he had repented in the belly of the fish, I do not believe he truly repented. He had a sense of entitlement that if he was to "obey" God and speak to the people of Nineveh the God owes him a favor and destroy the city. That's why he got front row seats to watch the destruction of the city. And he was so angry about the worm that ate the vine because he felt that he was God's servant and he is entitle to the shade.

我點解未好似約拿噉走路？係唔係我嚇俾神懲罰？我從約拿書學到嘅一樣嘢係就算約拿喺魚肚裡面有悔改，我唔信佢真係有真心悔改。如果係約拿都唔會擔定凳仔擺頭位嚟睇神毀滅尼尼微啦！佢覺得神應該毀滅尼尼微因為佢聽神嘅話。佢覺得佢應該有蓖麻遮蔭。

This is the part the scares me. As a minister, do I also have a sense of entitlement that God owes me something? God does not owe us anything! The story in the book of Jonah is not just about God's redemptive act and grace to the people of Nineveh, it is also about God's redemptive act and grace in the live of Jonah. The reason God calls Jonah is because he was interested in the growth of Jonah. Why should we obey God's calling - and this is not limited to "full-time" calling, but includes His calling for us to live out lives as children of God - is because God is interested in each one of us. And through his calling he puts us in the best condition for growth.

我就係嚇呢樣嘢。我奉獻神會唔會覺得神爭我嘢呢？神乜嘢都唔爭我哋！約拿書唔只講神對尼尼微嘅救贖行為和恩典，這也是講神對約拿嘅救贖行為和恩典。神有興趣見約拿成長，所以神呼召約拿。點解我哋要聽神嘅呼召？因為神有興趣見我哋成長。神把我哋放入最佳嘅環境所以我哋可以成長。

But why haven't I ran like Jonah? Because I know this is exactly where God wants me to be.

我點解未好似約拿噉走路？因為我知道神想我喺呢度！

Psalm 91 // 詩篇91

My second favorite Psalm, Psalms 91, also know as the Evening Prayer, is my prayer right now.
我第二喜歡的詩篇，第91章，是我今日的祈禱。

1 Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High
will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.
2 I will say of the LORD, “He is my refuge and my fortress,
my God, in whom I trust.”

3 Surely he will save you
from the fowler’s snare
and from the deadly pestilence.
4 He will cover you with his feathers,
and under his wings you will find refuge;
his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.
5 You will not fear the terror of night,
nor the arrow that flies by day,
6 nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness,
nor the plague that destroys at midday.
7 A thousand may fall at your side,
ten thousand at your right hand,
but it will not come near you.
8 You will only observe with your eyes
and see the punishment of the wicked.

9 If you say, “The LORD is my refuge,”
and you make the Most High your dwelling,
10 no harm will overtake you,
no disaster will come near your tent.
11 For he will command his angels concerning you
to guard you in all your ways;
12 they will lift you up in their hands,
so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.
13 You will tread on the lion and the cobra;
you will trample the great lion and the serpent.

14 “Because he loves me,” says the LORD, “I will rescue him;
I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name.
15 He will call on me, and I will answer him;
I will be with him in trouble,
I will deliver him and honor him.
16 With long life I will satisfy him
and show him my salvation.”
~Psalms 91

1 住在至高者隱密處的， 必住在全能者的蔭下。
2 我要論到耶和華說： 他是我的避難所， 是我的山寨， 是我的神， 是我所倚靠的。
3 他必救你脫離捕鳥人的網羅和毒害的瘟疫。
4 他必用自己的翎毛遮蔽你； 你要投靠在他的翅膀底下； 他的誠實是大小的盾牌。
5 你必不怕黑夜的驚駭， 或是白日飛的箭，
6 也不怕黑夜行的瘟疫， 或是午間滅人的毒病。
7 雖有千人仆倒在你旁邊， 萬人仆倒在你右邊， 這災卻不得臨近你。
8 你惟親眼觀看， 見惡人遭報。
9 耶和華是我的避難所； 你已將至高者當你的居所，
10 禍患必不臨到你， 災害也不挨近你的帳棚。
11 因他要為你吩咐他的使者， 在你行的一切道路上保護你。
12 他們要用手托著你， 免得你的腳碰在石頭上。
13 你要踹在獅子和虺蛇的身上， 踐踏少壯獅子和大蛇。
14 神說： 因為他專心愛我， 我就要搭救他； 因為他知道我的名， 我要把他安置在高處。
15 他若求告我， 我就應允他； 他在急難中， 我要與他同在； 我要搭救他， 使他尊貴。
16 我要使他足享長壽， 將我的救恩顯明給他
詩篇91章

The devil can fire all his arrows or send his pestilence, I HAVE THE LORD, MY REFUGE!
魔鬼可以射佢嘅飛箭或放佢嘅瘟疫，耶和華是我的主和我的避難所！

Son of Encouragement // 勸慰子

Barnabas (which means “son of encouragement”)
Acts 4:36
巴拿巴翻出來就是勸慰子
使徒行傳 4:36

After preaching in Acts 9 this past Sunday, I am reminded of all the Barnabas(es) in my life.  These Barnabas(es) encouraged me by (1)giving, (2)showing me grace, (3)serving and (4)developed me.  I was so moved in the sermon that I could barely continue with my sermon.  During and after which, by God's grace, he surrounded me with encouragements.  And with God's perfect timing, this story of John Stott come in my email from PreachingToday.com:
我禮拜日講道嘅時候，神用使徒行傳第九章嚟提我我有好多個巴拿巴呢度鼓勵我。我講道嘅時候感動度爭啲講唔道乜。但係因為神的恩典，鼓勵我。同埋神嘅計劃好奇妙，我琴日收到啲個有關約翰·斯托得嘅電郵：

John Stott shares the following story from 1958 when he was leading a university outreach in Sydney, Australia. The day before the final meeting, Stott received word that his father had passed away. In addition to his grief, Stott was also starting to lose his voice. Here's how Stott describes the final day of the outreach:

It was already late afternoon within a few hours of the final meeting of the mission, so I didn't feel I could back away at that time. I went to the great hall and asked a few students to gather round me. I asked one of them to read … "My grace is sufficient for you, for my strength is made perfect in weakness," (2 Corinthians 12:8-9). A student read these verses and then I asked them to lay hands on me and … pray that those verses might be true in my own experience.

When time came for me to give my address, I preached on the [broad and narrow ways from Matthew 7]. I had to get within half an inch of the microphone, and I croaked the gospel like a raven. I couldn't exert my personality. I couldn't move. I couldn't use any inflections in my voice. I croaked the gospel in monotone. Then when the time came to give the invitation, there was an immediate response, larger than any other meeting during the mission, as students came flocking forward …

I've been back to Australia about ten times since 1958, and on every occasion somebody has come up to me and said, "Do you remember that final meeting in the university in the great hall?" "I jolly well do," I reply. "Well," they say, "I was converted that night."

Stott concludes, "The Holy Spirit takes our human words, spoken in great weakness and frailty, and he carries them home with power to the mind, the heart, the conscience, and the will of the hearers in such a way that they see and believe."

Love Coloured Glasses // 用愛睇人

Coming back from Panama, walking through the airport of Pearson Terminal 1, I was bombarded by some of my favorite HSBC ads.
喺巴拿馬返嚟經過機場我見倒好多我最喜歡嘅匯豐銀行廣告。

HSBC Ad 匯豐銀行廣告

What is our perspective of the things around us?  Our perspective changes our decision making process; it changes the way we handle a situation; it changes the way we treat other people.  Yesterday I came across an article on the winner of the TED Prize 2011, JR, and how he used his passion in photography to change the perspective of people around the world...
我哋睇呢個世界嘅觀念喺乜嘢呢？我哋點睇世界會改變我哋點揸弗。我哋點睇世界會改變我哋點面對大家。噚曰我睇報紙見倒2011年TED獎嘅得獎人、JR。佢用佢最喜歡嘅興趣、攝影、嚟改變人嘅世界觀...

How do we see people? Man, when you see an attractive women, do you see her as an object of lust or as someone's beloved daughter? When you see a alcoholic or an addict, do you see an irresponsible person or a suffering person?  When you see a terrorist, do you see an enemy or someone who is lost and looking for a purpose in life? When you see a homosexual, do you react with disgust or do you see someone struggling with a variation of sexual sin just like the rest of us. We should not be letting the media shape the way we see others.
我哋點睇人呢？弟兄啊，當你見倒個靚女嘅時候、你會唔會有好色嘅思想，還是你見倒一個人哋嘅心肝寶貝女？當你見倒個酒鬼或吸毒者嘅時候、你會見倒一個不負責任嘅人，還是你見倒一個受緊苦嘅人？當你見倒個恐怖分子嘅時候、你會見倒一個敵人，還是你見倒一個迷失嘅人？當你見倒個同性戀者嘅時候、你會覺得好核突，還是你見倒一個喺性誘惑裡面掙扎緊嘅人、講真啊，我哋好多個都同性誘惑嘅罪掙扎緊啊？我哋唔好比媒界影響我哋個世界觀。

Nothing that we despise in the other man is entirely absent from ourselves. We must learn to regard people less in the light of what they do or don't do, and more in light of what they suffer.
~ Dietrich Bonhoeffer 迪特里希·潘霍華

When Jesus said "Love your neighbor as yourself." Do you see the suffering they are going through? It is not much different than the suffering you are going through. See other through "Love Coloured Glasses" - through the love of Christ - and you will see people in light of what they suffer.
當耶穌話：就是要愛人如己。你睇唔睇倒人哋嘅痛苦？同你經受嘅痛苦差唔多啊呵！用基督嘅愛睇人你就由佢哋經受痛苦嘅角度睇倒佢。

Love Coloured Glasses 用愛睇人

How do you let God work through you when you don't know who you are? // 如果你唔知道你喺邊個，你點俾神用啊？

When I think about it, it is sad that the idea of "iceberg" has become a cliche at our church.  There is a lot of truth in the "iceberg".  On the surface is the identity we show to the world, what we want the world to see who you are.  Under the surface, it is actually who you are and the one who makes the decisions.  There are things underneath the surface we don't want the world to see - the skeletons in the closest, and even things we don't about.  The sum of all these parts makes up who we are.

當我想起來，喺我哋教會"冰山"已經變成一個口頭禪。但係"冰山"真喺有好深的意思。表面上冰山面啲嘢喺我地想俾人見啲嘢。冰山底啲嘢喺我地唔想俾人見道啲嘢，甚至我地自己都唔知啲嘢。整個冰山就喺我地全個人。

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.
Romans 8:28

我們曉得萬事都互相效力，叫愛神的人得益處，就是按他旨意被召的人。
羅馬書8：28

All these parts are the "all things" God is working for His good.  Even the painful and shameful things we are trying to hid from the world.  If we don't even know what's underneath the surface in our iceberg how do we let God work these "all things" for his good according to his purpose?

And what is God's purpose?

神用我哋啲"萬事"得益處。甚至我哋唔見得光啲嘢。如果我哋都唔知道我哋冰山底有啲乜嘢，我哋點可以俾神用我哋啲"萬事"呢？
同埋神的旨意系乜嘢？

For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son.
Romans 8:29a

因為他預先所知道的人，就預先定下效法他兒子的模樣
羅馬書8：29

To be conformed to the image of his Son.  God is working with the "all things" in our lives so that we become like the image of his Son.  Not so that we will merely say a magical prayer of confession and become a well behaving Christians, we are to become the image of his Son.  The center of God's will and purpose is that he will take all that we are and our "all things" (note: my "all things", by the grace of God, are different from your "all things") and make us become the image of his Son.

If we don't even know who we are - if we don't even own up to the "all things" in our lives - how do we let God work it according to his purpose for us to be like his Son.  God's work is not done went we merely say a prayer of confession and accept Jesus as our God and Saviour - so don't make it your goal to merely lead someone to Christ.  God's purpose is for us all to be conform to the image of his Son.  And this goal is not attained until we are in our glorious new bodies after this life.  So make it your goal to encourage each other to own up to our individual "all things" and challenge each other to become Christ like.

The original definition of Christians: a group of people having or showing qualities of Christ.  "Little Christs".  Stop acting like Christians!?!  BE LIKE CHRIST - with all the "all things" God has given you.

神用我哋啲"萬事"所以我哋會似他兒子的模樣。唔喺決志信主咁簡單，但係我哋要似神嘅兒子。神嘅旨意就要用我哋啲"萬事"嚟改造我哋所以我哋會似衪嘅兒子個樣。如果我哋都唔知道我哋自己喺邊個，或者我哋都唔接受我哋啲"萬事"，我哋點樣俾神按他嘅旨意讓我哋似衪兒子的模樣？神嘅工作唔喺單單要我哋決志信主，所以唔好顧住帶人信主咁簡單，但喺我哋要帶人同帶自己，接受我哋啲"萬事"，似耶穌個樣。
舊陣時啲人叫信徒造基督徒因為佢哋似基督。我哋自己叫自己做基督徒我哋喺唔喺似基督呢？用神俾我哋嘅"萬事"嚟似基督個樣啦！

For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
Psalms 139:13,14

我的肺腑是你所造的；我在母腹中，你已覆庇我。
我要稱謝你，因我受造，奇妙可畏；你的作為奇妙，這是我心深知道的。
詩篇139：13，14

God fearfully and wonderfully made us, he will work our "all things" for good according to his purpose.  Even the "all things" underneath the surface in our iceberg - ESPECIALLY the "all things" underneath the surface in our iceberg.

神奇奇妙妙哋創造你，也會用我哋啲"萬事"得益處。甚至我哋冰山底嘅"萬事"。尤其是我哋冰山底嘅"萬事"！