With the coming of the New Year, we cannot help but to reflect on the year that was. Through this process, we try to gain the big picture of what God is doing in our lives. Last week, I had a conversation with Jenny as we listened to the radio as the news program recounts the major news events of 2011. We commented how refreshing it is to go through a year in review, however when it comes to reviewing our lives over the past year it is a hard and difficult process. We are used to having everything digested for us, but when it comes to reflecting on our own lives it is an unnatural and difficult process.
It is also the reason why I found it difficult to put my thoughts and feelings into words over on this blog over the past few months. On one hand I was caught up with the busyness of family and ministry I did not carve time to write. On the other hand I was actually afraid of what I'll end up writing.
In summary, 2011 was a tough year. Tough not in the sense of what most can see on the surface, but due to many little events and experiences just hidden from sight.
Family-wise, Jenny and I have many blessings to count. Jenny puts it best when she said "this being the 3rd year of our marriage, it is just the beginning of our honeymoon." We can see God's blessings terms of our relationship in my parents, with the providence of the Lord, and with the moving of the Spirit in guiding our lives. However, there are other things they we are enduring together over the pass few months (things that I will not share at this time) that is stretching our faith in the Lord in His timing and His plan. And come to think about it now, this is wearing me down emotionally over the past few months.
Ministry-wise, heading into my 3rd year of full-time ministry have its challenges. Many pastors will say that your 3rd year of your ministry at a particular post is the beginning of your ministry. I could not agree more. This year I got to see God moving and raising up leaders from within the ministry. Yes, there are other areas where we are still seeking God for direction and breakthrough, but the greatest challenge came from learning to live life as a minister and the baggage that accumulates over time.
Personal-wise, praise God for helping me rediscover the joy in reading the Bible. For the first time since seminary, the Bible does not feel like a textbook but rather a fun read. However this year was also an emotional roller-coaster, though not for any obvious reason. My first bout with the blues was back in March, and it seems like it will come back every other month in increasing frequency. What I'm learning this year is to identify these issues with my soul and address them.
It is amazing how the Lord chooses these jars of clay (broken jars) to carry out His work. Here we are frail creatures of dust, mere mortals, given life by the Holy Spirit, and called to be overseers of the church which Christ purchased with his own blood. The pressure of this calling is tremendous, but yet it is a humbling call. I had stated in the beginning of the year that I am "a Follower of God, a Husband, and a Pastor. (In that order)". However this year had taught me that if I try to do these three things by my own efforts I am doomed to fail. Under my own strength, if I try to love God, love my wife, and love the church, there will be conflict of interests, and that stress eventually worn me down. It is only by God's love, seeing the world through God's eye, is how I can love God, love my wife and love the church all at the same time.
According to Hamlet and Yoda,
"To be or not to be... there is no try."
There's no trying in love. You are either being God's love, or NOT being God's love.
Another key lesson is to be attentive to my soul. "What is God doing in my life through the good and tough times?" And when I'm in a rout, being attentive to the help and support God has placed around me. I am going to saying out loud of the first time. I am going through depression. No clinical depression per say, but pastoral depression. Maybe because of my happy-go-lucky personality, I had tried to sweep quickly address its symptoms back in March, but it is much more deeply rooted. I am beginning to see that this is a common issue for pastors, and I do pray that we will find the courage to not to deal with this alone in the dark. Personally I am making plans to seek professional help at the end of this Christmas break.
When we planted our church, building on Rev Lau's Connecting Spirituality, we wanted to raise a spirituality that connects with the deepest core in our lives. And when we dig deep into our lives and come face to face with these skeletons in the closest, through the leading of the Holy Spirit the church will provide an environment where we can begin our recovery process. So I guess this is my first step...
My name is Joel Tang. I am living face to face with pastoral depression. However, my life has been purchased by the blood of Jesus and being made renewed by the Holy Spirit...
