32 this year. Married. Along with a secure job (as long as I don't do anything stupid). I am content with all these blessings from the Lord, yet I feel handicapped in my ministry.
As our sermon series moves from Daniel to Leviticus, I've been addressing to issue of idolatry. And I began to wonder if this feeling of handicap is a direct result of my own idolatry.
The reason why I feel the sense of handicap I guess is mainly resources related. While we are managing in terms of finances, there's still a strain when we are trying to save up for a HK trip and car payments coming up in November. Of course it would be easier if Jenny has work, but we are still patiently waiting. The result of this is that we are to tightly control our expenses - ie eating out only twice last month. Therefore I feel reluctant in spending time with brothers and sisters for meals. The alternative is to invite brothers and sisters over for dinner but not having a place of our own and living in a location far from most we also find this difficult.
I begin to feel distance from b/s - feeling handicapped in ministry. And I can feel the stress because of this. But am I blaming my lack of "stability" for causing this feeling? Didn't Jesus say "38 And whoever does not take his cross and follow me is not worthy of me. 39 Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it." (Matt 10:38,39) A life long of following Jesus means "instability" in the human perspective. Is the longing for "stability" becoming my idol? I have had a few sleepless nights wrestling this issue.
Lord, help me remove the longing for stability from the centre of my heart and put you back into place?
