My Dagobah

"Mudhole?! Slimy?! My home this is!" ―Yoda

Dagobah, a harsh, humid, swampy planet, mostly covered in shallow marshland (a.k.a. "a slimy mudhole") where Luke was told to seek Yoda to complete his Jedi training.

"You will go to the Dagobah system. There you will learn from Yoda, the Jedi Master who instructed me." ―Obi-Wan Kenobi to Luke Skywalker

I feel I am often back at my own Dagobah to be shaped and moulded by God. A dark and lonely place. A place where I'd rather forget, just like Dagobah seldom appeared in astrography charts and it was discovered and re-scouted several times. A place where there is a dark presence surrounding it. And in such place I must face myself and my fears, much like what Luke had to face in the Dark Side Cave.

"That place… is strong with the dark side of the Force. A domain of evil it is. In you must go."
"What's in there?"
"Only what you take with you."
―Yoda and Luke Skywalker

Do I want to be here on my Dagobah? No. This is a miserable, dark, lonely and painful place. But as Yoda puts it, "My home this is!" We long to live in a well kept and orderly home. We want our home to look like Coruscant, a busy yet organized and most important political world in the galaxy.

"Seen from orbit, Imperial Center is a blaze of light and sparkling colors, reminding some spacers of corusca stones, after which this planet was named long ago."
―Pollux Hax on Coruscant

These days with social media, one can tidy their profile to show the world only what they want to - a life that is of a blaze of light and sparkling colours. But in reality this is not the world we live in. Our world is harsh, dark, swampy and broken. It serves as a reminder for our souls to long for what's eternal.

I'm beginning to learn that when I am in my Dagobah I am not running from the world. I'm often tempted to make Coruscant my home. To busy myself with work, and to win the appreciation of those around me. But I am called to my Dagobah to deal with the dark places in my life in order to be a light in the equally dark world. Is this a place I want to be? NO! I'd rather be by me Father's side in eternality. But for now, this is where I am called to be. In my dark little Dagobah, learning to be a light in this dark world.

Joy in Sorrows

In the midst of pain, suffering and sorrows, God is making me thankful for all the little things. Like how a silly bear a construction crew randomly put in different places cheered me up everyday last week.

Such joy that men and women of God have known in the midst of sorrow as they trusted in the Lord. Hudson Taylor, the great pioneer missionary to China, lost his beloved wife, Maria, after 12 years of marriage. They had been delighted with each other’s love. Shortly after her death, he wrote to his mother in England,

From my inmost soul I delight in the knowledge that God does or deliberately permits all things, and causes all things to work together for good to those who love Him. 

He and He only knew what my dear wife was to me. He knew how the light of my eyes and the joy of my heart were in her.... But He saw that it was good to take her; good indeed for her, and in His love He took her painlessly; and not less good for me who must henceforth toil and suffer alone--yet not alone, for God is nearer to me than ever. And now I have to tell Him all my sorrows and difficulties, as I used to tell dear Maria; and as she cannot join me in intercession, to rest in the knowledge of Jesus’ intercession; to walk a little less by feeling, a little less by sight, a little more by faith. 

 To one of his mission leaders he wrote at that time, 

My eyes flow with tears of mingled joy and sorrow. When I think of my loss, my heart--nigh to breaking--rises in thankfulness to Him Who has spared her such sorrow and made her so unspeakably happy. My tears are more tears of joy than of grief. But most of all I joy in God through our Lord Jesus Christ--in His works, His ways, His providence, in Himself. (Hudson Taylor and the China Inland Mission, the Growth of a Work of God [The China Inland Mission], pp. 199-200, emphasis his.) 

Do you know such abiding joy in the Lord? One of Taylor’s favourite hymns was, “Jesus, I am resting, resting, in the joy of what Thou art; I am finding out the greatness of Thy loving heart.” That same Jesus and that same joy is available to everyone who will rejoice in Him.

Thank you, Lord.

Romans 5:3-5

Dear Heavenly Father,

You have made me spend a lot of time in Romans 5:3-5 over the past few months, and it is this hope that I am hanging on to. I know you are working in me - in perseverance and in character. But there's always a temptation of wanting the "good old day". The old me that I am comfortable with. However, I know you are the master creator, who am I to complain? 

Back to the hope... I just want to ask when it is okay to let go? It is okay to let go? If I let go, I can learn to accept the deck you have dealt me and move on in my life. I can be truly happy for others and accept the fact that this is a blessing you chose not to give me. I can finally leave this lonely place, bury the pain and maybe reintegrate myself back into the world. But it is because of this hope, this promise, I am constantly back in this dark place. A completely closed door is easier to swallow than a dark narrow road that leads to the unknown. It is distracting. Debilitating. Discouraging. 

But thank you, Lord, for randomly sending me this quote a few days ago:

"When you reach the end of your rope, tie a knot in it and hang on." - Franklin D. Roosevelt

Thank you, Lord, for the encouragement. I'll hang on, and be surprised by you.

Amen.

Summer is Here!!! The Season of Sunshine and Short Skirts... WHAAAT!?!?!

"Here comes the sun!!!"

Summer is here, time to dig out the shorts and Birkenstocks!!! While it is nice to be able to kick back and enjoy the beautiful warm weather (or you can struggle with the hammock like Caleb), I often warn the my fellow brothers that this is also the season of short skirts and short shorts - worn by girls, but being in Toronto I'm not surprised if I see it worn by guys, too. 

And like clockwork, during this season every year someone from my congregation will come up to me and ask if I can address the issue with the length of the skirts or shorts at church. Yes, the whole discussion of "Do not cause your brother to stumble" arises:

"But take care that this right of yours does not somehow become a stumbling block to the weak."
~1 Cor 8:9

But this responsibility should not rest solely on our sisters. I could say to all the sisters, DO NOT wear such and such to church. i.e. 1 Tim 2:9-10

I also want the women to dress modestly, with decency and propriety, adorning themselves, not with elaborate hairstyles or gold or pearls or expensive clothes, but with good deeds, appropriate for women who profess to worship God.

However, the context of the above verses speaks more about stewardship than actually about "modesty" in term of how short is short. It deals more with for example, spending beyond your means just to have the latest Canada Goose jacket or LV purse. Rather Paul reminds us to be good steward of our resources to further God's kingdom. This applies to men, too.

Back to the short shorts, if I only called out all the sisters, am I any different Muslims demanding their sisters to wear hijab? Also if our church were to be welcoming to everyone, why are we judging those at church by what they wear. Jesus had set an example for us when he welcomed prostitutes and tax collectors. Men, can we learn to look pass what someone is wearing and see that each sister is not just an object of your desire but as someone who is a beautiful creation of God - someone who God created for a purpose. When we begin to look at someone who is wonderfully and fearfully created for God's purpose, we will not cease to see and treat another human being as an object. 

Some may say to me, "Pastor Joel, it is easy for you to say because you are married." No, it is NOT easier after marriage, because of it is there will be no affairs and broken marriages.

All in all, both brothers and sisters have our lessons to learn. Brothers, stand up for the daughters of God, defend them and treat them with respect. Sisters, until we brothers are righteous men of God, show us some grace and help us, in this case by the way your dress, and encourage us to become godly men.

Black Sludge

As I am enjoying my morning coffee in the office, I cannot help but stare at the bottom the my cup and wonder: "How can this black sludge be so delicious and energizing?" On the bottom of the french press is a mass of wet, black gunk that I'll eventually toss into the garden. But out of this black mess out comes a cup of goodness I crave for almost every morning. (I still refuse to admit that I am addicted to coffee because I can do without it but it is nice to have a cup to get my day started while I settle into work).

Out of crap comes goodness and purpose. Same with our lives, out of our failures, brokenness and weaknesses comes a God's masterpiece. Because the master artist is also a God who redeems.

However, I'll probably need a better illustration than a french press. We should not to push these brokenness, failures and weaknesses to the bottom. We need to dig them up so that healing can begin. Yes, we need to scoop them out and toss them into the garden so that new life can be sprung.

Elohim, Jehovah-Bara & Jehovah-Go'el

אלוהים

יהוה-ברא

Elohim is the Hebrew word for God that appears in the very first sentence of the Bible. When we pray to Elohim, we remember that he is the one who began it all, creating the heavens and the earth and separating light from darkness, water from dry land, night from day.

Jehovah-Bara, the Lord the creator.

Being on the bike I am constantly reminded of Jehovah-Bara. The pleasant scent of lilac and I ride through neighbourhoods in spring. Constantly checking the weather forecast to see if I can take the bike out. Also my love of the outdoors reminds of the creating God. Even when I proposed to Jenny I wanted all of creation to witness it.

But the one thing God is speaking into my life is that I am always forgetting one creation.

For you created my inmost being;
     you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
     your works are wonderful,
     I know that full well.
~Psalms 139:13,14

I am God's creation, and there's purpose in this creation. That is why we need to pay attention on how he is creating you. Why am I Chinese? Why am I Canadian? Why am I a husband? Why am I a man? Why am I a brother? Why am I an introvert?

Yes, there are areas in my life I'd like to change: my habits and my tendencies, my weakness and my thoughts. But if I understands that God is creating me exactly into his purpose, then nothing is by accident. All my weaknesses, brokenness and painful experiences are by his design. And the Lord will redeem all of that for his glory.

Jehovah-Go'el

Lord my Redeemer

John 10:10 Comes Alive

I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.
John 10:10

Today is one of those days I do not regret leaving my old engineering and financial careers. Thank God for renew energy and purpose in my ministry. As I am now closely working with 3 brothers who just made a commitment to full-time ministry, may this be a encouragement that you need in your future ministry. There will be highs, and there will be lows. But I would not trade it for anything else in the world.

Thank you God for making me feel alive.

After spending the morning of quiet time at Connecting Centre, I had a wonderful conversation with Pastor Lokkei talking shop and planning for his upcoming Summer retreat. Then off to Tyndale to drop off some paperwork and to check on the UC application status of a student. For interlude, a gorgeous bike ride through Bayview and Rosedale Valley to witness God's creation in the city. Afterward, off to UofT and had a amazing lunch with Bum talking about his upcoming trip to Guatemala. Picked up cross-Canada train ticket for the Vancouver trip in September with Jenny to witness even more of God's creation. Topping off the evening with some pickup soccer action thanks to ETo. 

All life giving, divine appointments.

God is good. All the time.

Cutting Onions

Discipleship, mentorship and life transformation is like cutting onions.

As we peel back and cut into the layers of our life, there will be tears. In order to fully experience life transformation, it is necessary to cut deep into life. Without these tears, how can we make delicious onion rings?

Always Sunny Above the Clouds

Excerpt from my journal on May 24, 2013, on route to Panama:

I've realized one of my favorite place in the world is sitting in the window seat on the plane reading & reflecting. Awaiting with great expectations of what adventure God will lead me to when I step off the plane. Also because the scene outside the window is always sunny as the plane soar above the clouds.

It is always sunny above clouds. This is an imagine that has been speaking to me since I got back from Panama.

How little did I know this simple thought would lead me on a journey to better see God's purpose for me. How little did I know the simple thought would encourage me to open up to my struggles in my recent sharing and preaching. How little did I know this simple thought, or the fact that God challenged me not to return to my comfortable and favorite place, would begin to shape my ministry in a way that I could not have imagined before.

Something new.

"Jesus, You're the one who saves us
Constantly creates us into something new
Jesus, surely you will finds us
Surely our Messiah will make all things new
Will make all things new"
~'Dry Bones' by The Michael Gungor Band

Yesterday over lunch Jenny and I had a wonderful conversation on ministry ideas and direction. For the first time, since Vance told Jenny and I over coffee a message from the Lord that He is starting something new in us, I caught a glimpse of God's greater plan in my life.

It was the same message when God picked me up from the mirky pit of 2003 and set me off on the journey I am on right now:

"Joel, you are an pioneer... come back and we will start something new together." Actually, those were the word of Rev. Lau but I also believe it was God speaking directly into my soul.

I waited patiently for the Lord;
    he turned to me and heard my cry.
He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
    out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock
    and gave me a firm place to stand.
He put a new song in my mouth,
    a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear the Lord
    and put their trust in him.
~Psalms 40:1-3

Lord, may your will be done in my life on earth, as it is in heaven. May your body, your church, be unified in Toronto so that Your glory may be seen in the GTA and may there will be a revival that will sweep across this city, to our nations, to the ends of the earth.

"Made My Day" Moments

Thank you, Father, for the awesome week filled with what I now call "Made My Day" moments. These are moments during the day where I witness God's grace and glory that made me excited about the day. In my church, we call these God Moments, but to me these are the best of the best God Moments of the day.

Thursday: A youth prayed over Jenny and I.
Friday: A girl shared about her recent mission trip, she was encouraged to go on this trip after we prayed together at Urbana.
Saturday: Another youth prayed for my ministry.
Sunday: A brother shared with me God's calling for him.

Community and Healing

Community is indispensable for our healing. We are strengthened as we give others authority to enter and speak into our lives.

"God has willed that we should seek and find His living Word in the witness of a brother, in the mouth of man. Therefore the Christian needs another Christian who speaks God's Word to him. He needs him again and again when he becomes uncertain and discouraged, for by himself he cannot help himself without belying the truth."
- Dietrich Bonhoeffer, Life Together

In life, there will always be suffering. Do not suffer alone.

I had to learn this while I was walking through the dark valley in my life throughout the past year - when I was doubting God's ministry for me as a pastor, when I was face to face with pastoral depression, when I was dealing with stress related medical issues, and when I was constantly questioning whether life is worth living.

It was very tempting to spend time alone to internalize all these feelings and pain. But when I thought I was on a journey to understanding myself more, it was feeding more into the depression that I face. The doubt deepened, and the world got darker.

I needed help: Help from my peers, help from my family, professional help. What they did was to speak into my life. That I am broken, and that's okay because it means I have room to grow. That I am weak, and that's okay because it means I need God to carry me. Past wounds began to surface, and healing began to take place. Community is indispensable for our healing.

3rd Time's the Charm

It took me forever to put this on paper. I started writing this last November, and while on the plane home from Panama wanted to summarize the work God was doing in my life, and I just could not wrap up my thoughts. I find myself hiding in my usual shell - being a pastor caring for the wellbeing of others - rather than digging deeper through my emotions and fears. As a result, I finished my pervious post before this one. But as Rev Lau reassured me again and again over the past few months, I am making an effort in the self-discovery process.

A process that took me through the 3 fundamental questions in my life: 1) Why am I a pastor? 2) Why am I a husband? 3) Why am I a child of God?

The three things I outright state in the heading of my twitter account.

This process began when God spoke to Jenny and I last year through 3 separate individuals: "God is starting something completely new in you."

"What do you mean, God?" So last November I left on my own to Joshua Tree to spend 5 days on my own in the desert to ask God one simple question, "If you are telling me that you are starting something new in me, God, are you telling me to leave Logos?"

For 5 days, I questioned God's plan for me.
For 5 days, I wrestled with my own feelings.

"Above the noise of selfish strife.
We hear Thy voice, O Son of Man."
- A.W. Tozer

For 5 days, the stars ran its course above me head.
For 5 days, the winds battered my shelter.
For 5 days, the desert sun scored my head.

"Now, therefore, I pray thee, if I have found grace on thy sight, show me now they way, that I may know thee, that I may find grace in thy sight... I beseech thee, show me thy glory."
-Moses

For 5 days, God showed me His glory.

And at the end of the 5 days, I got my clear answer:
"No, Joel, I do not want you to leave Logos. But I am starting something new in you and Jenny."
"What, Lord? What are you starting in me?"
No answer.

I spent the last 6 months asking for an answer. "What's the new thing, Lord?" "How can I start or prepare for this new thing if I don't know what it is?"

Somehow I knew those are stupid questions to press the Lord for, I knew I have to learn patience. Just like in my absolute favorite chapters in the Bible - Job 38-41 (and yes, Job 40:15 IS my favorite verse), in response to Job's why questions, God basically said look at the majesty of all creation... Job, your problems are no big deal. In the desert, God showed me His glory in the sun, in the wind, and even in the rain. How can I still doubt God's plan for me?

Fast forward to February I was putting the Panama English Camp team together. This will be my 3rd time leading a team down to Panama. And to be honest the first time I had no idea what I was doing, and the second time I had a merciful God who put a brother on the team to smack me around when I need a wake up call. This being the third time around I wanted to do things right - to prepare the team probably and walk them through their experience. Also I always wanted to expend our team to include our sister churches in the Logos Joint Mission. But lastly, I have to admit, I was looking for an exit plan. I thought the "something new" God working in me involved focusing on leadership development in Toronto and Panama, I recruited Johnny onto the team in case God eventually pulls me out of the English Camp Ministry.

Leading a team to English Camp has always been a bipolar experience for me. On one hand, being a missionary there is an understanding that I'll be squeezed dry by the locals. In my opinion there is nothing wrong with that because I cherish the opportunity to be occasionally pushed to the limit, this is where one fully realize God takes over the driver's seat. On the other hand, my pastoral care side takes over and I shield my team from any additional burdens. As a result, I have developed an ministry with the cantonese speaking fellowship while the rest of my team develops a better relationship with the actual youth leadership at the English Camp. This made me feel torn because it is as though I was not leading the team at all.

So approaching this trip, I actually dreaded the weekend after the English Camp where I was schedule to share on Saturday evening and on Sunday afternoon. It is not that I did not enjoy these ministries, I just didn't enjoy being pulled away from my team.

So came the English Camp. It was like the previous English Camps where I became less and God became more. To accomplish His work God provided the perfect assistance in Annie and the perfect local assistances in KiKe and Ruben. I've could not have asked for more. The team came together, it was a long tiring week, and God is good. (Sorry, I may provide a more in depth camp reflection in the future) The only thing that was really out of the ordinary was how God lead me to share my testimony of suffering and broken relationship during my sermon. And because of that I had the opportunity to talk to two campers in regards to relationships.

Saturday was sightseeing day, but it was bittersweet for me because I knew I had to leave early to speak at the fellowship. I was heartbroken when I walked away from the rest of the STM on my own. I know it was not fair to the fellowship I was about to serve, so I just dragged my feet along in obedience towards my ride to the church. In the car I asked what was the biggest need in the fellowship, and the brother said relationship advise. So in the car ride to the church, I scrapped my original talk and decided to talk about relationships - using my own relationship as an example.

The one thing I forgot to mention is the day I departed for Panama was my 5th year wedding anniversary. I think I was a little bitter I missed the big day with Jenny to the point it showed I my attitude at time. Praise God I was able to leverage that during my relationship talk and it enable me to candidly talk about my relationship with Jenny and openly share some of our struggles. After fellowship, I realized I would not trade my time with those youths for anything else in the world. In that evening, God allow me to see how the youths look up to Jenny and I as role model in their relationships. Even though they have not actually met Jenny, the opportunities God gave me to share the love story He written in our lives was able to encourage the youths.

This was new.

Also through this trip I was able to witness churches working together; not just in Panama and STM across the North America, but also in Toronto how our sister Logos churches serves together. One passion God placed in my heart is to see revival in Toronto through the corporation of the churches in the GTA. This trip might be the beginning of how God is really bringing the Logos churches back together through Logos Joint Mission.

This was new.

And lastly, through the wonderful brothers and sisters on this trip God had again reaffirmed my calling as a pastor - more specifically a pastor at Logos. I don't know what plans God might have for me in the future, but I know it is something new right here.

Thank you, God, for continuing to speak to me through this Panama trip.

Mission Re-entry

Over the few I've been following the adventures of Col. Chris Hadfield as he commanded the ISS as part of Expedition 35. Col. Hadfield made astronauts cool again with his multi-media updates, photos from space and live interviews (also an awesome cover of "Space Oddity" as well as an original song from space).

Through his work we caught a glimpse of life in space, of being away from friends and family on a mission. And since Col. Hadfield has been back on earth we continue to see his readjustments back to life on earth. 

With all of this in mind I led for my 3rd time a Logos team to Panama English Camp from May 24 - June 5. Like being on a mission on the ISS, a mission trip is like a trip to outer space. A week floating above the clouds, traveling on God's wings at a thousand miles per second, sustained in a tin can by the grace of God; the team had the honour and privilege of witnessing God's mighty work - we were literally on a Spiritual high. How can you not when you are part of God's mighty work?

As a clarification, I do not have anything against the notion of "Spiritual High". It is a taste of haven, a glimpse of what to come. Just like the most difficult part of Col. Hadfield's mission is the re-adjustment back to earth, similarly the mission team will have to learn to land safely after the trip.

A reentry landing is a violant and traumatic experience, for both astronauts and missionaries. It seem like we have come crashing back into earth, our limbs weak from the weightlessness of being sustained by God's grace, longing to fly again with the Lord. We have soared with the Lord and tasted victory, but now once again we are earthbound - in our routine, temptations, and broken relationships.

God had given us a wonderful experience on the mission trip, how do we start the next leg of our journey back home? 

Another passion of mine is mountain climbing. I love following the adventures of Conrad Anker, Jimmy Chin and Gerlinde Kaltenbrunner. The top tourist attraction in Nepal is climbing Mt. Everest. (The revenue made from Everest climbing permits accounts for 3% of Nepal's GDP). However 1 of 8 climbers attempting Everest dies. But imagine the experience of standing on top of Everest - the top of the world. I can imagine being on a Spiritual high have a similar feeling. The most dangerous part of climbing is not the ascent, it is the descent - it is after you've reach the top and now you have to come back down.

We have to be extra careful coming off of a high place, whether be returning from space, descending from the mountain top experience, or returning from a mission trip. And in life, if you’re not ready for the inevitable lows, spiritually and emotionally, you’re going to be in trouble. 

How do we deal with this? 

"2 I know your deeds, your hard work and your perseverance. I know that you cannot tolerate wicked people, that you have tested those who claim to be apostles but are not, and have found them false. 3 You have persevered and have endured hardships for my name, and have not grown weary. 4 Yet I hold this against you: You have forsaken the love you had at first. 5 Consider how far you have fallen! Repent and do the things you did at first. If you do not repent, I will come to you and remove your lampstand from its place."
- Rev 2:2-5 

The brothers and sisters certainly did great things for the Lord, and I'm sure they were on a Spiritual High. But a stark warning from Jesus is that we are not to forget our FIRST LOVE. Being married for five years I am beginning to learn a thing or two about "my first love". Being devoted to my wife, my love, takes commitment and sacrifice. When my "first love" is Lord Jesus, it also require of my commitment and sacrifice. It requires me to die to Christ daily, allowing Him to use my past experiences to shape me for His purpose, and rely on Him alone. 

Today is a beginning of your mission trip. Yes, we will miss our teammates, we will miss the youths we worked with. But how are you letting your "first love" use you today? Are you still pursuing your "first love" even when you are earthbound? Are you offering your best to your "first love"? Take good care of your bodies, through rest and time alone with God, so that you are fit for His work in you and through you today.