3rd Time's the Charm

It took me forever to put this on paper. I started writing this last November, and while on the plane home from Panama wanted to summarize the work God was doing in my life, and I just could not wrap up my thoughts. I find myself hiding in my usual shell - being a pastor caring for the wellbeing of others - rather than digging deeper through my emotions and fears. As a result, I finished my pervious post before this one. But as Rev Lau reassured me again and again over the past few months, I am making an effort in the self-discovery process.

A process that took me through the 3 fundamental questions in my life: 1) Why am I a pastor? 2) Why am I a husband? 3) Why am I a child of God?

The three things I outright state in the heading of my twitter account.

This process began when God spoke to Jenny and I last year through 3 separate individuals: "God is starting something completely new in you."

"What do you mean, God?" So last November I left on my own to Joshua Tree to spend 5 days on my own in the desert to ask God one simple question, "If you are telling me that you are starting something new in me, God, are you telling me to leave Logos?"

For 5 days, I questioned God's plan for me.
For 5 days, I wrestled with my own feelings.

"Above the noise of selfish strife.
We hear Thy voice, O Son of Man."
- A.W. Tozer

For 5 days, the stars ran its course above me head.
For 5 days, the winds battered my shelter.
For 5 days, the desert sun scored my head.

"Now, therefore, I pray thee, if I have found grace on thy sight, show me now they way, that I may know thee, that I may find grace in thy sight... I beseech thee, show me thy glory."
-Moses

For 5 days, God showed me His glory.

And at the end of the 5 days, I got my clear answer:
"No, Joel, I do not want you to leave Logos. But I am starting something new in you and Jenny."
"What, Lord? What are you starting in me?"
No answer.

I spent the last 6 months asking for an answer. "What's the new thing, Lord?" "How can I start or prepare for this new thing if I don't know what it is?"

Somehow I knew those are stupid questions to press the Lord for, I knew I have to learn patience. Just like in my absolute favorite chapters in the Bible - Job 38-41 (and yes, Job 40:15 IS my favorite verse), in response to Job's why questions, God basically said look at the majesty of all creation... Job, your problems are no big deal. In the desert, God showed me His glory in the sun, in the wind, and even in the rain. How can I still doubt God's plan for me?

Fast forward to February I was putting the Panama English Camp team together. This will be my 3rd time leading a team down to Panama. And to be honest the first time I had no idea what I was doing, and the second time I had a merciful God who put a brother on the team to smack me around when I need a wake up call. This being the third time around I wanted to do things right - to prepare the team probably and walk them through their experience. Also I always wanted to expend our team to include our sister churches in the Logos Joint Mission. But lastly, I have to admit, I was looking for an exit plan. I thought the "something new" God working in me involved focusing on leadership development in Toronto and Panama, I recruited Johnny onto the team in case God eventually pulls me out of the English Camp Ministry.

Leading a team to English Camp has always been a bipolar experience for me. On one hand, being a missionary there is an understanding that I'll be squeezed dry by the locals. In my opinion there is nothing wrong with that because I cherish the opportunity to be occasionally pushed to the limit, this is where one fully realize God takes over the driver's seat. On the other hand, my pastoral care side takes over and I shield my team from any additional burdens. As a result, I have developed an ministry with the cantonese speaking fellowship while the rest of my team develops a better relationship with the actual youth leadership at the English Camp. This made me feel torn because it is as though I was not leading the team at all.

So approaching this trip, I actually dreaded the weekend after the English Camp where I was schedule to share on Saturday evening and on Sunday afternoon. It is not that I did not enjoy these ministries, I just didn't enjoy being pulled away from my team.

So came the English Camp. It was like the previous English Camps where I became less and God became more. To accomplish His work God provided the perfect assistance in Annie and the perfect local assistances in KiKe and Ruben. I've could not have asked for more. The team came together, it was a long tiring week, and God is good. (Sorry, I may provide a more in depth camp reflection in the future) The only thing that was really out of the ordinary was how God lead me to share my testimony of suffering and broken relationship during my sermon. And because of that I had the opportunity to talk to two campers in regards to relationships.

Saturday was sightseeing day, but it was bittersweet for me because I knew I had to leave early to speak at the fellowship. I was heartbroken when I walked away from the rest of the STM on my own. I know it was not fair to the fellowship I was about to serve, so I just dragged my feet along in obedience towards my ride to the church. In the car I asked what was the biggest need in the fellowship, and the brother said relationship advise. So in the car ride to the church, I scrapped my original talk and decided to talk about relationships - using my own relationship as an example.

The one thing I forgot to mention is the day I departed for Panama was my 5th year wedding anniversary. I think I was a little bitter I missed the big day with Jenny to the point it showed I my attitude at time. Praise God I was able to leverage that during my relationship talk and it enable me to candidly talk about my relationship with Jenny and openly share some of our struggles. After fellowship, I realized I would not trade my time with those youths for anything else in the world. In that evening, God allow me to see how the youths look up to Jenny and I as role model in their relationships. Even though they have not actually met Jenny, the opportunities God gave me to share the love story He written in our lives was able to encourage the youths.

This was new.

Also through this trip I was able to witness churches working together; not just in Panama and STM across the North America, but also in Toronto how our sister Logos churches serves together. One passion God placed in my heart is to see revival in Toronto through the corporation of the churches in the GTA. This trip might be the beginning of how God is really bringing the Logos churches back together through Logos Joint Mission.

This was new.

And lastly, through the wonderful brothers and sisters on this trip God had again reaffirmed my calling as a pastor - more specifically a pastor at Logos. I don't know what plans God might have for me in the future, but I know it is something new right here.

Thank you, God, for continuing to speak to me through this Panama trip.