Zero Self Confidence

Been feeling frazzled over the past two days. So frazzled that I don't know why tears keep flowing. So frazzled that i didn't feel well enough to drive. That why getting the speeding ticket this morning feels like getting kick while lying on the ground. Lost in thought while driving made me lose track of my speed.  I'm not upset from the ticket, I deserved it and I should have been more careful. What bothers me it that while all these things are happening, while I'm seeking a time of healing, all I can think of is "How can this be a sermon illustration?"

I am angry at myself for thinking this way. I am having an internal conflict where a voice (mainly from feedback and comments) tells me that "Joel, you need to show more vulnerability in your sermon" while I am screaming inside "I need a time of healing". But what if there's no time to heal? I need to pick myself up and "work" tonight for fellowship.

Thank you for everyone who had pray for me in my time of need. I can finally narrow down the reason for feeling frazzle is because I am low in self confidence. So low in confidence that all I can think of is how I can do my job better. I know in pastoral leadership we are not seeking earthly praise, and criticisms and grumblings comes with the job (see Moses' leadership of the Israelite out of Egypt). But if you are reading this and I am not your pastor, simply say a word of thanks to your pastor, it can lift him/her up in encouragement.

I the midst of zero self confidence, thank you Lord for your steadfast love. While I was looking for words of encouragements in Psalms 78 (that God CHOSE us because he made us competent do His task [v70-72]), my memory failed me and I turned to Psalms 57 instead.  I love it when God drop nuggets of Bible gold out of nowhere.

2 I cry out to God Most High,
to God, who vindicates me.
3 He sends from heaven and saves me,
rebuking those who hotly pursue me—
God sends forth his love and his faithfulness.

4 I am in the midst of lions;
I am forced to dwell among ravenous beasts—
men whose teeth are spears and arrows,
whose tongues are sharp swords.

5 Be exalted, O God, above the heavens;
let your glory be over all the earth.

6 They spread a net for my feet—
I was bowed down in distress.
They dug a pit in my path—
but they have fallen into it themselves.

7 My heart, O God, is steadfast,
my heart is steadfast;
I will sing and make music.
8 Awake, my soul!
Awake, harp and lyre!
I will awaken the dawn.
~Psalms 57:2-8

 Time to wake up, Joel. The Lord is mighty in battle you can find refuge in Him. Wake up, and sing!