Second Chances...
How many second chances have I gotten? How many second chances do I deserve? Probably none. But my life is filled with second chances.
I sat at school in front of the fireplace in the cafeteria all afternoon, alone, reading... sobbing. I love Tyndale on Sundays afternoons. It is so quiet and peaceful. I sat there, with the warmth of the fire (heater) drying my tears. Tears of sadness. Tears of disappointment. I'm disappointed with myself. How many times have I dropped the ball over the past few months? How much longer can I smile in the face of challenges? Physically, I can endure the beatings. But emotionally and psychologically, I am wearing thin.
Stress.
I rarely admit that I an stressed. Maybe because I am not easily stressed. I am my toughest critic. I am stressed whenever I feel that I am not meeting my expectations, especially if it affect others. And I beat myself up if I do not meet other's expectations, let alone my own expectations.
I can definite feel the stress. And being a person that can usually suppress stress, I do not handle stress well when it does build up. Stress brings the worst out of me. I'll snap. And that was 5 years ago. Yes, I've learn to be better than that. But I'm near my breaking point. I don't want to snap. I don't want to crash. There is too much on the line. Every blood, sweat, and tears over the past two years, all the lessons learned, all the pain endured... all on thin ice.
Sitting is service today, I feel there is a raging fire burning all around me. I close my eyes, and I can see the fire. Bridges burning. It seems the only safe haven was in front of the fire place in Tyndale. Am I resorting back to my old self? Picking up my backpack and disappear into the woods at first sign of stress. No, Joel. I cannot do that. I am better than that now. And God reminding me in my readings today:
"The spiritual life is not a life of quiet withdrawal, a hothouse growth of artificial ascetic practices beyond the reach of people living ordinary lives. It is in the ordinary duties and labors of life that the Christian can and should develop his spiritual union with God.... Christian holiness in our age means more than ever the awareness of our common responsibility to cooperate with the mysterious designs of God for the human race. This awareness will be illusory unless it is enlightened by divine grace, strengthened by generous effort, and sought in collaboration not only with the authorities of the Church but with all men of good will who are working for the temporal and spiritual good of the human race."
~Thomas Merton, Life and Holiness, 9-10
What good is it if I go on a quiet withdrawal and cut off myself with this world? I cannot be like a monk and hide in a monastery. Similarly, I cannot simply isolate myself while backpacking in search of my spiritually. Awareness of our common responsibility to cooperate with the mysterious designs of God for the human race. This awareness will be illusory unless it is enlightened by divine grace.
Second chance.
According to my own critic, 3 strikes I'm out. But God reached down from heaven, picked me up, dusted me off, straighten my uniform, and sends me back out to bat again. All because of His grace. Even though I failed Him and disappointed Him countless times, He still wants to use me in His ministry.
I dunno want to say but "thank you, Lord." He reminds me in return. Gratitude Be thankful always, for God, for others around you, and for yourself.
"For myself?" I asked.
"You are fearfully and wonderfully made." He relied.
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