Gravity

Oh I hate gravity. Whenever I want to climb back up onto my two feet and get yank down again. Whatever happened to "flying on wings like eagles". I felt that I've been grounded for the last several months. Everytime I tried to get my life back in order, something else pops up and I'm once again ground. I feel as though my knees are bloody from falling. I feel that I'm on the verge of burnt out with all the stress... but somehow God has been sustaining me. Maybe of His plans for me this year. School till April, Mekong in May, church internship Jun-Aug, back to school Sept-Dec, Urbana in Dec. I cannot let myself get burnt out. There's no time to get burnt out.

I want to cry the prayer of Psalm 13. If David can cry out to God, if Job can accuse God, if Jacob can wrestle with God, and if Moses and Abraham can barter with God, I should cry out too. How come I feel as though my world is collapsing around me? I feel as though the bridges around me is being burnt. Yes, I have the support and the fellowship of those at Tyndale and at church... but everything else is falling apart. Who am I to ministry to if my bridges to my non-Christian friends are on fire? And everytime I grab a bucket to put out the fire, it is as though I'd grab a bucket of oil by mistake and make things worst.

Lord. What do you want me to do? I cannot just shelter myself in Tyndale and in church. What kind of witness am I bringing to my friends. And everytime something happens, all my energy is sucked out of me. Joel the Mellable? Yes, I am beaten into a pulp. I know physically I can take this beating... but emotionally and psychologically, I now know that I'm weak. Maybe that why Rev. Lau is concern about me emotionally - that I need emotional support. But what am I suppose to do? I do my part in listening and waiting in patience. Waiting as things get worst and I do not have the strength to make things right. Maybe I should seek professional help at school, go see Kaarina or go see one for the counselors.

What am I to do, Lord? And what are you teaching me. Why won't you pick me up and put me on solid ground as you promised in Psalm 40.

But Lord, thank you for your reassurance that when I hit rock bottom, that rock is You, Jesus. That why I should love gravity. Gravity keeps me grounded on the Rock.