Eyes

While I lead the in-depth Bible study in Revelations for the young career group this afternoon, we discussed the significance of eyes and sight.

Revelation 4:6b In the center, around the throne, were four living creatures, and they were covered with eyes, in front and in back.

The discussion brough be back to my Systematic Theology class of last week. It is interesting that the creatures are covered with eyes. Why not ears? Why not noses? Why not tongues? What so special about eyes? As humans, we gather the most information with our sight. Yet, it is our only sense organ we can turn off. We have eye lids, not ear lids nor tongue lids. So we have the option of being discipline in what we see. Oh thank God, we only have one pair of eyes... controlling one pair of eyes is hard enough, God surely know what we need and our limits.

Also, eyes can cast judgement on others. If you stare sat someone, the individual will feel uneasy and you cast judgement by sight alone. That's why we cannot see God face to face, for we would not survive His judgement.

With our single pair of eyes, we have to be aware of God's presence and God's work. However, I do think that in heaven we will too be 'covered' with eyes enabling us to soak in the full glory of God. :)

Being Different to be the Same

Romans 12:2 Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.

We are call to be different, do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world. As salt and light, we are to me different. We are not of this world. But what I am beginning re realize is that in being differing, we are also called to be the same. To be the same as the image of God. The image we are created to be, but tinted with the sins in us. To be holy. That's the ultimate calling from God.

Leviticus 11:44a I am the LORD your God; consecrate yourselves and be holy, because I am holy. Do not make yourselves unclean by any creature that moves about on the ground. 45 I am the LORD who brought you up out of Egypt to be your God; therefore be holy, because I am holy.

Consecrate yourselves and be holy, because I am holy. To be holy because God is holy. Different from this world, be to be the same as Jesus.

"What thing place is calling me to be is -- the same, and more of the same. The same as the monks, the same as the saints, the same as Jesus, the same as the heavenly Father."
~Henri J.M. Nouwen, The Genesee Diary (pg 66)

Weaknesses Exposed

"Nothing should be forced, and that the first month of involvement had made me aware of my weaknesses and could now help me to rearrange my life... In a sense, you fall apart, you regress, but it is also there that you become available for spiritual direction and can find a place for prayer and ascetical life."
~Henri J.M. Nouwen, The Genesee Diary (pg 60, 61)

I feel exactly how Henri Nouwen during his stay at the Trappist Monastery. 6 months in seminary, I feel God has brought the best and worst out of me. And it is my worst that I need to be aware of. I have fallen apart, cried out to God in the middle of the night, and yet God prepared my soul for spiritual direction. It is until this week that I made mends with the people in the office. Patched up relationships that I let slip over the last few months. Most importantly, finally understanding my breaking point.

There is still a lot of work to be done. Parts of me will still need to be broken down and be reshape by God's hands. It will hurt, but what matters is that God is shaping me into who He wants me to be.

Stop Criticizing Men's Hockey

What annoyed me the most is that how the focus of the media is to criticize the early exit of the Men's Hockey Team. Well, why focus on the negative? We have one of the best day in Olympic results, 2 Golds, 2 Silvers. We are having the best Olympics ever. We should celebrate! Celebrate Cindy Klassen, Women's Hockey, celebrate Canada Curling! Watch Chandra Crawford's race in the Women's Cross Country Sprint, now that's celebration!



Under Further Notice: Celebrate Everything!

Medal Count
Gold 7
Silver 10
Bronze 7
Total 24
(Final Standings, Feb 26)

Out Coached

I'm not happy.

I get cranky when I get outwitted. I'm suppose to be the "sneaky" one, and hands down I got out smart on Saturday. I should have noticed. But I just did not connected the dots together until today. Too late.

I must give my respect to the Redeemer's coach. First for scouting us during our game against Master's. As sign that Redeemer did not enjoy taking the lost during our home tournament. I thought we had the last laugh; because without Denice on Saturday, Siobhan was setting for us and therefore we didn't have any set plays. That also means that there is nothing to scout, becuase I played most of my bench against Master's.

However, when Redeemer came like a sea of red, something was wrong. Their regular jeresys were soccer style white. Why did they wear their red practice shirts? I laughted at them at first, commenting that they did not do their laundry. But I didn't noticed their tallest middle wore #9. She usually wears #3...

It was until today, reviewing the game sheets that I realized Redeemer pulled a fast one on me. The did not wear their regular jerseys because they switched some of their numbers around. Plus I was baffled at #8 who kept hitting us line yesterday. Who IS #8? They never had a #8!?! Surely they cannot add a name player this time in the season, she would qualify for the playoff in 3 weeks. Time for a team meeting.

Plus because my lack of concentration, I was out coached my Heritage. I will be held responsible for the lost to Heritage... but never again. :)

Laughters

Boy, I haven't laughed so hard for a long time. I love how gliding on ice melts all my stress away. I could of spent all day skating in circles, feeling the cold wind rush by my face, lost in thoughts.

What topped it off was sharing the ice with all my friends from school. Especially when Nips and Ben chased after me because I threw snow at them... what a laugh.

Tired

I'm tired.

Monday, Tueday and Thursday, 13-15 hours at the school. I can feel the tightness in my shoulders. My head is pounding. My body is banged up, from floor hockey, volleyball, and work. I just realized clearing George Sweetman from the front of the net is like moving a mountain.

I'm looking forward to skating with Tyndale tomorrow... when I'm on the ice, I feel like I'm flying and all the stress goes away.

Lord, give me rest.

zzzzzz......

A Prayer Revival

Though at church, we started our prayer ministry several months ago on Fridays and Sundays before the programs, I rarely had time to take part because of all the little details I have to take care of with ecah program. But starting last week, I had a burden to expand this prayer minstry. Beginning with email prayer intercession.

prayer@yorklbc.org

Then, while I was watching a video on the Taizé Community in France, I was challenge to lead the congregation on a prayer revival.

I have a burden to lead the prayer meetings on Sunday morning and to develop Spiritual formation for the High School boy during next season i-groups.

Rain

Rain in February, weird but it's true. Sitting alone in my room listening to the rain. I love the sound of rain and the howl of wind.

It is funny that how past pains and heartbreaks occassionally surface. Though is does not bother me anymore, I do reflect on how it shaped my character.

'Love your neighbour as yourself.'

Over the last week, I just realized how mellow and soft I have become. After Urban Promise, I was at Darrin's. Johnny, Alvin and Darrin was horsing around wrestling each other UFC style. They were putting each other in various locks and chock holds. I just watched them and wonder why would you want to do something like that for fun? It is interesting to know how much pain you can endure, but how do you fun inflicting pain on each other fun?

Another incidence was dinner at Steve's with Baik, Tory, Jessica, Hannah and Rosalie. We played Hannah's "game" where the reward is the chance to hit each other on the wrist. Hannah seems to be must excited about hitting all of us. However, when I won my chance to hit everybody, I just didn't have the heart to hit anyone, even if it was for fun. It was fun winning the opportunity to hit, and I do not mind getting hit, but the actual hitting part is definately not fun.

Moving Mountains - Urban Promise

How faithless I am?

When we arrive at the Urban Promise project with the youth group, turning a run down plaza into an oasis for underprivilage church, I took one look at the moldy basement as said to myself that we will not even make a scratch in the clean up of the basement. Yes, we might be able to finish painting the kitchen, but the basement, cleaning up all the crap (moldy garbage/drywall/tiles), no way.

Oh how wrong I am. On comes the dust mask and glove. 30 kids. Single file up along the stairs. Passing baskets and baskets of crap up the stairs. And we were all laughing while we laboured in the dust/mold filled basement. It was amazing. 2.5 hours later, we complete demolished the basement and sweeped the place up. In a mere 2.5 hours, we must have saved Pastor Clarke at least 3 days of clean up.

Wow.

It is amazing when God put little people to work.

The End of the Week

My body tells me it is the end of the week. Parts of me ache in such ways that I did not it was possible before. I think this flu is nastier than I thought. It drains me of my energy. My left hamstring and quad are hurting. Right foot hurts as usual. The weirdest pain the the one under my right arm, just in the "wing" part of my back/arm. It hurts when I shift gears.

I guess I'm just getting old. :P

Life is Wonderful

I got home an hour ago from tutoring, I suddenly felt so grateful for the things I have. I have dinner on the table, a warm family to come home to, home early enough that I look forward to the peaceful sleep tonight. I am content. What joy is it that you can say "I am content"?

Joy, joy, joy... it has a nice ring to it. Make one happy just thinking about it, even in the depths of the valley of death. Why am I so bubbly tonight? I dunno, maybe because Jesus loves me? Hahah... I still got the sniffles and slight headache, but I'm just glad I am alive. What else can I ask for? Dim Sum with Baik, Colin, Kelly, Leo and Jeff. Run around this awesome DVD rental place with Baik and Colin. Talking about our exciting futures. Serving together during March Break. Maybe together running for Student Council for next year. Played floor hockey and remaining undefeated.

I guess God is giving me a second chance to live a life as a student, for I screwed up my last opportunity. And this time I get to do it probably as His servant.

Life is wonderful. Even though there are struggles along the way, it is wonderful with Jesus on your side.

Life is Wonderful
by Jason Mraz
"it takes a night to make it dawn
and it takes a day to you yawn brother
it takes some old to make you young
it takes some cold to know the sun
it takes the one to have the other

it takes no time to fall in love
but it takes you years to know what love is
it takes some tears to make you trust
it takes some years to make it rust
it takes some dust to make it polished

ha la la la la la la life is wonderful
ah la la la la la la life is full circle
ah la la la la la la life is so full of
ah la la la la la la life is so rough
ah la la la la la la life is wonderful
ah la la la la la la life is full circle
ah la la la la la la life is our love
ah la la la la la "

He Makes Men Instead of Statues

"Christ . . is more of an artist than the artists; he works in the living spirit and the living flesh; he makes men instead of statues."
~ Vincent Van Gogh, The Complete Letters, B9, III, 499

On the drive to school today, I was reflecting on the work God is doing in my life. Why did the past few days feel so grim? I reminded myself to rejoice in trials and tribulations, but at times that seem so hard. How did Paul do it when he was in chains? Or when David was in the wilderness running from his very own king, how did he cope with the stress? When king Saul walked into the cave where David was hiding, what was running through his mind?

In Spiritual Formation yesterday, Dr. Sherbino mentioned the condition "reactive depression". "Reactive depression" when one is depressed due to the reaction to an external event. I am "reactivity depressed" when I do not meet my own expectations. When I and disappointed with myself, I can feel the energy drain out of me. When I am stressed, I want to sleep.

Yet, I can hear God telling me this is the project He's is working on. Getting me to cope with emotional stress. Should I be disappointed at myself to the point of depression? God, Creator of the heavens and the earth, master artist, he makes men instead of statues. His medium is my flesh. "And God saw that it was good" As a fellow artist, I can understand if someone devalues my works. I'd get angry because I poured my heart out into my creation... How would God feel when we devalues His masterpiece.

He did not make me out of stones the is static through the passage of time. He made me out of flesh, sharping me according to the current conditions and preparing me for future challenges. Therefore I how He has great things planned for me... all I have to do is to endure, with joy, the current challenges.

Where does my strength come from?

A new day, a new morning, a new start.

Renew strength, where does this strength come from?

"I look up to the mountains; does my strength come from mountains?
No, my strength comes from GOD,
who made heaven, and earth, and mountains."
~Psalm 121:1, Message

I feel so renewed that I want to write, I want to sing. This is how David must have felt when he write psalms.

I want the write songs and poems too... but don't have either gifts. Then I'll just stick with the ramblings of my journals. :)

Feeling Sick

I feel sick. Past two days, I feel like I want to throw up. Headaches. Clogged up sinuses. Runny nose. Maybe it is psychological. Maybe I am imagining I'm getting sick as an escape from the stress. Maybe it is my subconscious self-defense mechanism. For the past week, by the afternoon, I would feel sick. But in the morning, I am refreshed.

Whenever it is. I gotta be careful.

Three Strikes, You're... Saved By Grace

Second Chances...

How many second chances have I gotten? How many second chances do I deserve? Probably none. But my life is filled with second chances.

I sat at school in front of the fireplace in the cafeteria all afternoon, alone, reading... sobbing. I love Tyndale on Sundays afternoons. It is so quiet and peaceful. I sat there, with the warmth of the fire (heater) drying my tears. Tears of sadness. Tears of disappointment. I'm disappointed with myself. How many times have I dropped the ball over the past few months? How much longer can I smile in the face of challenges? Physically, I can endure the beatings. But emotionally and psychologically, I am wearing thin.

Stress.

I rarely admit that I an stressed. Maybe because I am not easily stressed. I am my toughest critic. I am stressed whenever I feel that I am not meeting my expectations, especially if it affect others. And I beat myself up if I do not meet other's expectations, let alone my own expectations.

I can definite feel the stress. And being a person that can usually suppress stress, I do not handle stress well when it does build up. Stress brings the worst out of me. I'll snap. And that was 5 years ago. Yes, I've learn to be better than that. But I'm near my breaking point. I don't want to snap. I don't want to crash. There is too much on the line. Every blood, sweat, and tears over the past two years, all the lessons learned, all the pain endured... all on thin ice.

Sitting is service today, I feel there is a raging fire burning all around me. I close my eyes, and I can see the fire. Bridges burning. It seems the only safe haven was in front of the fire place in Tyndale. Am I resorting back to my old self? Picking up my backpack and disappear into the woods at first sign of stress. No, Joel. I cannot do that. I am better than that now. And God reminding me in my readings today:

"The spiritual life is not a life of quiet withdrawal, a hothouse growth of artificial ascetic practices beyond the reach of people living ordinary lives. It is in the ordinary duties and labors of life that the Christian can and should develop his spiritual union with God.... Christian holiness in our age means more than ever the awareness of our common responsibility to cooperate with the mysterious designs of God for the human race. This awareness will be illusory unless it is enlightened by divine grace, strengthened by generous effort, and sought in collaboration not only with the authorities of the Church but with all men of good will who are working for the temporal and spiritual good of the human race."
~Thomas Merton, Life and Holiness, 9-10

What good is it if I go on a quiet withdrawal and cut off myself with this world? I cannot be like a monk and hide in a monastery. Similarly, I cannot simply isolate myself while backpacking in search of my spiritually. Awareness of our common responsibility to cooperate with the mysterious designs of God for the human race. This awareness will be illusory unless it is enlightened by divine grace.

Second chance.

According to my own critic, 3 strikes I'm out. But God reached down from heaven, picked me up, dusted me off, straighten my uniform, and sends me back out to bat again. All because of His grace. Even though I failed Him and disappointed Him countless times, He still wants to use me in His ministry.

I dunno want to say but "thank you, Lord." He reminds me in return. Gratitude Be thankful always, for God, for others around you, and for yourself.
"For myself?" I asked.
"You are fearfully and wonderfully made." He relied.

Gravity

Oh I hate gravity. Whenever I want to climb back up onto my two feet and get yank down again. Whatever happened to "flying on wings like eagles". I felt that I've been grounded for the last several months. Everytime I tried to get my life back in order, something else pops up and I'm once again ground. I feel as though my knees are bloody from falling. I feel that I'm on the verge of burnt out with all the stress... but somehow God has been sustaining me. Maybe of His plans for me this year. School till April, Mekong in May, church internship Jun-Aug, back to school Sept-Dec, Urbana in Dec. I cannot let myself get burnt out. There's no time to get burnt out.

I want to cry the prayer of Psalm 13. If David can cry out to God, if Job can accuse God, if Jacob can wrestle with God, and if Moses and Abraham can barter with God, I should cry out too. How come I feel as though my world is collapsing around me? I feel as though the bridges around me is being burnt. Yes, I have the support and the fellowship of those at Tyndale and at church... but everything else is falling apart. Who am I to ministry to if my bridges to my non-Christian friends are on fire? And everytime I grab a bucket to put out the fire, it is as though I'd grab a bucket of oil by mistake and make things worst.

Lord. What do you want me to do? I cannot just shelter myself in Tyndale and in church. What kind of witness am I bringing to my friends. And everytime something happens, all my energy is sucked out of me. Joel the Mellable? Yes, I am beaten into a pulp. I know physically I can take this beating... but emotionally and psychologically, I now know that I'm weak. Maybe that why Rev. Lau is concern about me emotionally - that I need emotional support. But what am I suppose to do? I do my part in listening and waiting in patience. Waiting as things get worst and I do not have the strength to make things right. Maybe I should seek professional help at school, go see Kaarina or go see one for the counselors.

What am I to do, Lord? And what are you teaching me. Why won't you pick me up and put me on solid ground as you promised in Psalm 40.

But Lord, thank you for your reassurance that when I hit rock bottom, that rock is You, Jesus. That why I should love gravity. Gravity keeps me grounded on the Rock.

Fit for Heaven?

A question popped into my head today during Systematic Theology class: "Are you fit for heaven?"

What will we do in heaven? I imagine a big feast.... mmmmm, 24/7 buffet. I imagine a big party. Boy, we will have a blast in heaven. But what else will we do in heaven? Will we hop on clouds? Will be play harps? What will heaven be like?

I dunno, I have never been there. But one thing I know is that heaven is where the presence of God will be. A place where we will have a renew followship with God. Somewhere we can fulfill our purpose.

Our purpose to serve the Lord in obedience.

So imagine that. In heaven, with all the fun we are going to have, we get to fulfill our purpose in obedience to the Lord. That mean here on earth we have a chance to practice what we will do for eternally. Just like practicing for the big game, the finals. You would not to be at the finals and not ready to play your best game.

"Are you fit for heaven?"

Will you be ready for heaven? Why don't we start living our lives in obedience now? So that we will be fit for heaven!

Gratitude

What do you understand by the providence of God?

Providence is
The almighty and ever-present power of God
whereby he still upholds, as it were by his own hand,
heaven
and earth
together with all creatures,
and rules in such a way that
leaves and grass,
rain and drought,
fruitful and unfruitful years,
food and drink,
health and sickness,
riches and poverty,
and everything else, come to us
not by chance
but by his fatherly hand.

~Heidelberg Catechism, Q&A 27

Our lives, is a gift. We get to enjoy life, and everything else the surrounds our lives, and we seldom say "Thank you". Gratitude takes nothing for granted. Gratitude is not just about giving thanks to the gift, but it also recognizes the giver. When was the last time you recognize the giver of life?

I reflection of my thought on Sunday morning, the Lord is my breath, we ought to give thanks to the giver and the creator for life. But also we ought to give thanks for our purpose. Our purpose to serve the Lord in obedience. Thank you, Lord, for slowly revealing the joy in serving You. Serving You in obedience is not a burden, but it is in my being to serve with joy.

John 15:9 "As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love. 10If you obey my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have obeyed my Father's commands and remain in his love. 11I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete."

You make my joy complete, and I abid in Your love and faithfully obey Your commands.

Gratitude
by Nichole Nordeman

Send some rain, would You send some rain?
'Cause the earth is dry and needs to drink again
And the sun is high and we are sinking in the shade
Would You send a cloud, thunder long and loud?
Let the sky grow black and send some mercy down
Surely You can see that we are thirsty and afraid
But maybe not, not today
Maybe You'll provide in other ways
And if that's the case . . .

(Chorus)

We'll give thanks to You
With gratitude
For lessons learned in how to thirst for You
How to bless the very sun that warms our face
If You never send us rain

Daily bread, give us daily bread
Bless our bodies, keep our children fed
Fill our cups, then fill them up again tonight
Wrap us up and warm us through
Tucked away beneath our sturdy roofs
Let us slumber safe from danger's view this time
Or maybe not, not today
Maybe You'll provide in other ways
And if that's the case . . .

(Chorus)

We'll give thanks to You
With gratitude
A lesson learned to hunger after You
That a starry sky offers a better view if no roof is overhead And if we never taste that bread

Oh, the differences that often are between
What we want and what we really need

So grant us peace, Jesus, grant us peace
Move our hearts to hear a single beat
Between alibis and enemies tonight
Or maybe not, not today
Peace might be another world away
And if that's the case . . .

(Chorus)

We'll give thanks to You
With gratitude
For lessons learned in how to trust in You
That we are blessed beyond what we could ever dream
In abundance or in need
And if You never grant us peace

But Jesus, would You please . . .

The Lord is my ____________

During reflection time in service today, Rev. Lau asked us to fill in the blank. "The Lord is my ____________"

I just sit there for minutes, thinking. Names of God started flashing through my head. In the seminary chapel this year, we are looking at the different names of God...

YHWH
Jehovah
Good Shephard
El Shaddai - God Almighty
Gaol - Redeemer
Shaphat - Judge
Logos - Word
Adonai - Master
Jehovah-Jirah - The Lord will Provide
Elohim - God
Jehovah-Shalom - The Lord of Peace
El lyon - Lord Most High
Yesha - Saviour
Abba - Father
Sophia - The Wisdom of God
Ego emi - I AM

Yet, I sat in silence... asking myself what does God mean to me? All the names for God means so much. But if David sees God as his shepherd, what do I see God as?

Then I wrote down, "The Lord is my __breath__."

Genesis 2:7 "the LORD God formed the man from the dust of the ground and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life, and the man became a living being."

The breath of life is the essence of our being. It is the likeness of God that He breathed into us. It is what makes us alive, what sustains our lives. Yet, with this breath, He gives us purpose.

Genesis 2: 4 This is the account of the heavens and the earth when they were created.
When the LORD God made the earth and the heavens- 5 and no shrub of the field had yet appeared on the earth and no plant of the field had yet sprung up, for the LORD God had not sent rain on the earth and there was no man to work the ground, 6 but streams came up from the earth and watered the whole surface of the ground-

The Lord watered the land He created, and He created man to work to ground and take care of His creation. This breath is not just to give us life, it defines who we are and our purpose - it gives meaning to our lives.

The Lord is my __breath__.

breath of God
by shane barnard

a life you cannot define
a purpose thats benign
they need to see and believe
be led to the rugged tree

the one on which he cried not for his pain but for our debt
the very same tree that He conquered death
it was an unfair deal on the part of Christ
He got my sin, i got eternal life

make me the breath of God
and i'll show them the One that means the most to me
they'll see the face of love
be touched by the very one who died upon the tree

small talk is a better choice
a way to avoid Your voice
i need to feel the dust on my knees
and lead them to the tree

will you follow Me, lead them to the tree
can't you just believe, will you take a knee for eternity