An Kaleidoscope of Thoughts

February 9, 10:47pm

Sitting in the kitchen, laptop and a cup of tea. Dinner ready, but I'm not sure how much of that I would touch. The hum of the laptop, clicking of the keyboard, the ticking of the kitchen clock and the occasion rumble of the basement furnace are the only sounds. Day 3 of being home alone, family in NYC. MSN off, Outlook close, cellphone off; just me, solitude in the kitchen.

Just came home from the Donald Miller lecture at Tyndale. Shoveled two driveways. As I drove home from Tyndale, for the first time in a long time, I turned off my car CD player. I just wanted to listen to the sound the tires splashing on the fresh fallen snow, the hum of the engine and I shifted through my gears, and most importantly, the kaleidoscope of thoughts echoing in my mind.

Before I continue, just want to wish you all a happy New Year.

I do not know how long I am going to be in front of my laptop pounding out this journal. I have my cup of tea, and a kettle of hot water behind me waiting just in case.

I did attempt to give a specific title to today's journal. If I do, I would have limited myself to one thought. Actually, this entry will be "random" thoughts that has piled up in my mind over the last two weeks.

"Random" thoughts.

Are they truly random? Or are they careful orchestrated and planted in our minds by our Father? If they are from our Father, shouldn't we turn down the noise of this world and be sensitive to what God has to say?


Clearing of the Temple

Noise. The physical wave of compressed air molecules the vibrates our eardrums as faintly as one billionth of a centimeter. Or the chemicals our glands released into our body that causes an increase of heart rate, stress, anxiety, excitement, depression, or fear. Or the random electrical impulses produces by our neurons as we daydream, think, doubt, or imagine.

Compressed air molecules, chemicals, electrical impulses. How can these tiny, miniscule things interferers with our ability to discern God's voice?

Not only external environment or internal state can distract us from God, but even the build up of God's voices can prevent from properly digesting what God is trying to teach us.

Over the last few days, due to my own weaknesses in the lack of quiet, reflection time, what God have told me over that last two weeks piled up until my mind was so crowded with thought I could no long think with a clear mind. And in that state of mind, Satan smells blood and came in for the kill. Temptations. Distractions. Doubt. I was down and out. Burned out. Questioning God. Why? I lost sight of my eternal calling. Lost sight of my eternal treasures.

I wanted to toss in the white towel. That's it God, take me home. I did not care about God's purpose for me at the moment. I just wanted to go home.

But wait a minute. That's not Joel? Depressed, down and out? No way. Wow!! Satan is sneaky. Maybe it was the loneliness of being home alone. Maybe it was the stress of work. Maybe from the pressure of leading the English Congregation. Maybe a combination of all of the above. Satan sees the opportunity, and plants doubts, and lies.

Thanks to Alice for reminding me to "clear the temple". Let's began by sorting out what God has taught me over these last few weeks. Then, seeing a better picture of God, I can flush out the slim gathered in my heart.


The Language of Eternity

Eternity. And constant theme that God is teaching me beginning back in December from the 722 "Treasure" series of sermons. And it was the basis of the sermon God spoke through me two Sundays ago.

Yet, because of doubt, Satan used this very topic to attack me.

I thought I was beginning to grasp God's language of eternity. Eternal treasures. Doing God's work on earth, storing treasures in heaven. Things of this world are temporary. Look for the eternal calling.

All these talk about eternity made me look forward to one day spending eternity in heaven. I wanted it so much that I began to wonder, why can I not be in eternity now? God take me home. I do not want to be in this temporary world any more.

And I missed the whole point. It is not only about spending eternity in heaven, there is also our eternal purpose. PDL, Purpose Driven Life. What is our purpose? To reflect God's glory! We are nothing but a mirror.

Why are there sufferings? So the God's glory will be revealed. Why is God testing me again and again? So that His glory may be shown.

But in the mist of these suffering, yes, we are learning lessons from God. How do we conduction ourselves in the valleys in life?


Wrestling with God

Reading Genesis over the last few days, I was challenged. In suffering, should we be sheep and patiently wait for God to lead us through the valley of death? Or should we be like Jacob and wrestle with God until he was blessed but walk away crippled?

But before swinging from one extreme to another, I realize that both requires tremendous faith. Blind faith (Eph 2:8) vs. active faith (Jas 2:17). Oh, what a theological argument this can cause! But the common denominator is faith.

Yes, there is nothing wrong in patiently waiting for God's plan to unfold, but there's also "ask and ye shall receive". There nothing wrong in asking, pleading, or even demanding things from God. If it is His plan, it will be given.

As I journeyed through the book of Genesis, I am intrigued by the way the character communicated with God. Abraham bargained with God over Sodom and Gomorrah. Sarah laughed at God. Isaac blindly obeyed God. Jacob wrestled with God. Joseph patiently waited for God's plan to unfold. Four generations, all unique attitude in communicated with God.

I want to be able to speak with God like in the Old Testament. And I believe we can. For Grace had said that, "If we are close to God, there's no way we would not know what God's plan is."


A Journey through the Bible

While I am on the topic of reading through Genesis, I just came up with an idea of how to keep myself accountable and I plan to read the Bible from cover to cover before I enter seminary. In my journals, I will regularly update my progress through the Bible and anyone reading my journals can keep me accountable.

I restarted reading the Bible last week, reading the NLT version.

Bible Reading, currently at Exodus 13.


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12:32am

I think I will stop here tonight. Temple cleared. Feel much better now. I should rest up and so that I will be fresh for another theological and philosophical episode of Tyndale lecture with Donald Miller.

Good night, everyone.

Love in Christ,
Joel